Stuart’s Week In Entertainment April 23 – 29 (One Tree Hill, Prison Break, Willy Wonka, William & Kate and Lesnar vs Cena)

One Tree Hill – The World’s Most Amazing Town (With Backing Music)

One Tree Hill started off as a drama about a school basketball team. Now we’re onto Season Nine of the show and…well…let’s just say it’s not about that anymore. Instead, it’s now a show about the most successful group of school friends that have ever lived. In an era where jobs and opportunities for school leavers are hard to come by, the twenty-something Tree Hill gang consists of…

  • A world-famous fashion designer
  • A world-famous actress-come-singer
  • A man who used to own a car dealership before murdering his own brother and going to prison, emerging as a nationally acclaimed TV Evangelist before falling upon hard times and opening a Greasy Spoon which he subsequently burned down in a bid to ingratiate himself back in with his family
  • A famous singer who runs a record company
  • A former famous singer married to…
  • A former NBA star who now owns and runs his own successful Sports Agency along with his friend who is going out with…
  • A famous photographer
  • A couple who are the Tree Hill equivalent to Richard & Judy (or for my American readers, Regis & Kathy Lee)
  • And the world’s most sickening brilliant child.

Even Antwon ‘Skills’ Taylor went from being the token bum in the show to become an acclaimed Hollywood Sports Choreographer.

Previous inhabitants of Tree Hill also include a famous author, the owner of a record company who represented the most famous singer in the world (who was herself a Tree Hill resident)

Yes, this man has an ideal face for TV presenting...

It’s become one of these shows where I just have to see it through. The first few series were actually very good, but beyond that it’s been mindless TV aimed more at the E4 crowd than me – and yet I still watch it out of a misguided sense of loyalty and mild curiosity.

There’s so much wrong with the show that it’d take too long to explain, but let’s focus on a few issues.

  1. Every single scene has music playing in the background. Why? What’s the point?
  2. Nothing bad ever happens to the main characters. Actually, let me rephrase that; everything bad happens to them, from kidnap, attempted rape, attempted murder, being involved in car accidents on bridges (specifically bridges I have to stress, they never happen anywhere else) and encounters with everyone from Evil Nannies to Psychotic Women Who Look Exactly Like Clay’s Dead Wife. But nothing lasting ever happens. It’s the worst case of Reset Switch Writing seen outside of cartoons.
  3. Dan Scott supposedly had about 3 weeks to live 5 seasons ago. I *think* they just stopped mentioning that.
  4. There’s no way a guy with Mouth’s face would front a TV show. He was clearly hired for this show because he looked weird and that’s fine, but I don’t think chat shows generally hire people who look like him.
  5. The way they all have such wonderful jobs and all love life so much that they all scoff at the guy who is ‘only’ a bar manager. What sort of message to send out is that?
  6. Jamie Scott (the horrible little boy who hasn’t grown an inch upwards since he was 5 years old and now could be a genuine midget) is the sort of child who – if you knew him and this was the 1970s – you’d slap about the head until he’d learnt some humility. In this, they just go ‘Awww, isn’t Jamie wonderful’. No! He’s not! He’s a smart arse little prick who you actively hope gets killed off.

I’m around half way into the final season now and there are such amazing storylines as ‘Nathan Scott is Missing’ (otherwise known as ‘The Guy Who Plays Nathan Scott Isn’t Contracted To Appear In Every Episode’) and ‘Mouth is fat’. Hurrah!

Never mind…it’ll be over soon.

Prison Break: Link The Sink – Man About Town In Panama

I’m finally away to finish Season Three of Prison Break – a.k.a. Link the Sink: Man About Town In Panama. Thank God.

I like Prison Break – it’s a terrific show – but Season Three is utterly pointless. It’s just filler.

They could have ended the show nicely at the end of the second season with everything brought to its natural conclusion, but no. Instead half the characters end up back in prison. But not any old Prison – oh no dear reader – a Panamanian Prison that is so unruly that the prison guards retreated leaving the inmates to fend for themselves. And of course, Michael Schofield has to break out of it.

While this is going on, Michael’s brother – Link the Sink – generally wanders around Panama with his odd shaped head, having drinks with assorted people in hotel bars and cafes trying to organise the escape from the outside. It’s all very boring and time filling stuff which is rendered utterly pointless in the first episode of the fourth and final season (which incidentally, I think it brilliant, despite what most people say).

The only thing that is good about the Panama season is the Haunted Acting by William Fichtner as Mahone. First class stuff.

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

Everyone has seen this film so it doesn’t need its own stand-alone review. I saw about half an hour of the original film the other day and a few things occurred to me.

  • Charlie Bucket is a selfish little bastard. On the one hand he has this massive sense of entitlement surrounding the golden tickets. You know the type of people who think they deserve more in life because they ‘weren’t born with a silver spoon in their mouth’? He’s the classic example. There are a very small number of golden tickets, and for whatever reason he believes for sure that he’ll get one. And moreover he believes that he should get one. He’s like one of these idiots who goes onto the X Factor and thinks that they have a personal relationship with Simon Cowell because they’ve spent years watching him on TV and therefore think that he’ll give them a recording contact on the strength of that. Well sorry, it doesn’t work like that.
  • And then when he does get the Golden Ticket he actually uses it. Now clearly, despite his reasonable-for-the-period clothes, he’s very much part of an underclass that I assumed died out in the Victorian era. He lives in a house with four people who share a bed that they

    This is a Social Worker. He needs sent to sort out Charlie Bucket, post-haste.

    never leave. The smell alone must be horrendous. They can’t afford basic food, they had to save up to buy a chocolate bar and there doesn’t appear to be a social worker in sight.

  • What his mother should have made him do was sell that ticket to emerge from the squalor in which they all live. But no, they just let him use it for a day-trip to a chocolate factory. Utterly irresponsible.
  • Verruca Salt reminds me of an irritating little boy who sits near me when I go to the football. He sits there in his pointlessly expensive child clothes, squealing in a high-pitched voice at the ref whenever things don’t go our way, while his bleached blond mother sits idly by and lets him attempt to ruin my enjoyment of the game. Argh!
  • Wonka is a marketing genius, quite clearly. I don’t think people give him the credit he deserves. But there’s no doubt his factory should be shut down. None at all.

William & Kate – The Movie

No, I didn’t watch this the whole way through – I only saw it for about 10 minutes the other day.

All I can say is ‘Wow’.

I didn’t think you got cameras of that low rent nature anymore but apparently you do. It looks like a medium budget Friday-Night-On-Channel 5 Soft Porn film from the mid 1990s. Dreadful.

It was also blatantly filmed in America. Now I live about 10 miles away from St. Andrews, and I can honestly tell you that St. Andrews looks absolutely nothing like that. But then, I don’t think attention to detail was of paramount importance to the producers of this film, what-with Kate breaking into an American accent (apparently the girl – who has starred in such classics as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – is British, but she’s clearly lived in the US long enough for her accent to have changed a bit), William wearing a US Air-force uniform rather than a Royal Air-force one, and St. Andrews University being called ‘St. Andrews College’.

Absolutely horrendous viewing, and that was only from the limited amount I saw.

But at least the guy doing an impression of Prince Charles made me laugh.

WWE Extreme Rules

I’ve been very critical of things so far this week, so I thought I would discuss something I actually enjoyed – WWE’s Extreme Rules event.

Containing stellar matches like Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus and Chris Jericho vs CM Punk, this event was worth the hard-earned cash of any wrestling fan.

Best of all though was the match between John Cena & Brock Lesnar.

Sometimes wrestling fails to capture your imagination. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the people reading this review will be thinking of me in a derisory manner for enjoying wrestling, but this match was brilliant. Everyone knows that Lesnar- as a former UFC World

Brock Lesnar - Video Game Boss

Champion – is a genuinely hard bloke; someone not to be fucked with.

And so his match with Cena had an edge to it. With him elbowing Cena in the head and drawing blood within the first few seconds, it set the tone for a match that more resembled a Boss Fight in a video game or the end of an action movie. Brilliant stuff, and a match so good it actually surpassed the Triple H vs Undertaker match from Wrestlemania.

Well done to all concerned in putting that spectacle together.

 

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