It’s been a while since I did one of these articles and with there only being tennis on at the Olympics right now, I thought I’d revisit it, though I hope I’m not scraping the barrel for entries…
So let’s get straight into it.
Mobile Phone Conversations
Watch the way people speak to each other on mobile phones on TV shows or films.
Those conversations are unlike anything you would see in real life because…
- Nobody ever says hello
- Nobody exchanges small talk (although for the sake of scripts, you could forgive that)
- People seem to arrange social events with each other without expressing where or when they will meet specifically – i.e. “I’ll meet you tomorrow night”. Where? When?!
- They seem to have conversations on speaker-phone for no apparent reason
- Nobody ever…ever…says goodbye. They just hang up the phone.
Try having a ‘TV Mobile phone conversation’ with someone you know and be prepared to be called a rude and unspecific bastard as a result.
The Way People Just Walk Into Each Other’s Houses
You know how people of a certain vintage talk about ‘The Good Old Days’ when you could go down the pub (to meet Mr and Mrs Bobby Moore presumably – and I wonder how many people will get that one…) and leave your front door unlocked?
Well for a start I don’t believe that ever happened, but even if it did, that world still exists in TV land.
If someone doesn’t immediately answer their door, the person knocking just decides to come in without being asked, which – apart from being totally unrealistic – is the height of rudeness. Would you like it if someone just walked into your house unannounced?
People have enough trouble getting into their own houses with a key, so the likelihood of their front door being unlocked for passers-by to walk through is highly unlikely
The Neighbours Effect
This is a variation on that theme; something that happens in plenty of shows but is most commonly known to happen in the Australian soap opera Neighbours.
Neighbours is on 5 days a week for 48 weeks of the year and on average once per episode they present a situation where someone is entering a house just as someone else is leaving it.
It’s a cheap directorial ploy to try to move scripts along, but it happens far too often and it’s incredibly irritating.
But then, if I would to criticise Neighbours I could bring up plenty of other issues that bug em, such as the way nobody ever comes back for special occasions with their families, the way nobody can get married without incident, how if someone moves 5 miles down the road they are never seen from or heard from again, or even that if someone has a ‘hidden talent’ it’s not just a run of the mill talent but the greatest example of that talent in the whole world.
I could bring up more, but it would be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Children…Aren’t They Just So Bloody Wonderful
If aliens from another civilisation were to learn about the human race simply from watching TV and films, they’d think the world was ruled by children.
Children are always the ones who know what’s going on before the adults; they are the smart ones, the wise ones. Everything they do is cute, nothing that they do is wrong. They have such wonderful spirits of adventure and can defeat evil because they are the epitome of innocence. Essentially they are treated as mystical beings that are greater than all adults.
In the aforementioned Neighbours they are central to the plot and lead such wildly exciting lives.
Kids are none of these things in reality. More often than not they irritating, badly behaved and adult-reliant little shits who are disliked by every adult out-with their own parents – and even then that’s 50/50. More often than not they are rude as well.
And the ones who actually appear in TV shows and films are the worst of the lot. Smug little tossers who have been built up by those parents as being far more special than they are. And 99% of the time they can’t even bloody well act!
Look at Callum off Neighbours. Just look at him. He oozes smug, he has a hair-do more advanced and worked on than any fat kid I ever saw at school and the chances are he’s as unappealing as a human being in real life as he unwittingly comes off as in Neighbours.
The only realistic example of children on TV that I have ever seen was on the BBC sitcom ‘Outnumbered’ where the kids weren’t given lines per-se and instead were fed things to say by the writers just before they went on camera. Those kids were funny – Karen especially – because they were so young that they didn’t realise what it meant to be on TV.
And I say ‘was’ because as the years have gone by the younger kids have grown up a bit and have become aware of their own fame. Now they badly recite dialogue written for them and are about as far from cute as a turd served up on a paper plate.
And on that note…
Because teenagers DO NOT have lives like that.
I discuss ‘EVIL’ and the way people stand talking to each other.