The Ken Dodd Happiness Show (or ‘No, Ken Dodd’s Not Dead, And Neither Is His Dad’s Dog’)

June 27, 2016

“I thought he was dead”.

That’s the line most people gave me when they heard I was going along to see a Ken Dodd gig in Dunfermline last night; well that and the disgraceful “I’ve never heard of him” from some younger folks.

No folks, Ken Dodd is not dead; instead at the grand old age of 88 he’s still touring the country every weekend performing his epic gigs that have become the stuff of legend.

I’ve seen my fair share of stand-up shows over the years – including the great Billy Connolly – and they tend to last an hour, maybe two at max, but Dodd is well known for going on long into the night with reviewersken dodd suggesting you take a blanket and some breakfast just in case.

Surely though a show starting at 7pm would be out reasonably early?

Nope.

From the picture on the back of programme of Dodd holding up a clock reading five to midnight to his early jokes about how we’d soon find out what it’s like to be in a hostage situation, and that by time the show ends our loved ones would have reported us all missing, it was clear this might last a while.

Dodd finally wrapped up his show at 23:45, nearly five hours after first walking on the stage.

Of  course, there was an intermission at around 10pm as well as a couple of breaks from the man himself as he gave up the stage for two musical variety acts to go through (thankfully) short sets, but all in all he was front and centre for well over three hours.

Unbelievable.

And what of his act?

Though it dipped a little bit after the intermission as the man from Knotty Ash went on a long, rambling anecdote about a man entering a monastery, it was mostly engaging and laugh-out-loud funny throughout, even though it was sometimes a little bit difficult to hear what he was saying thanks to a combination of old age and a chest infection. The highlight of the night was the last 45 minutes when he brought out his famous Diddy Man, Dicky Mint to a huge ovation before finishing with rousing renditions of two of his most famous songs, Absent Friends and Happiness.

Now you might think that that is just standard Dodd, and if you look up either of his ‘Audience with…’ shows that are available on YouTube you’ll see him perform an almost identical last section of his act, but it doesn’t matter; Dodd’s delivery, enthusiasm and all-round mastery of his craft meant that it was still as brilliant as when you first saw it performed.

It was worth the price of admission, and then some.

For a guy of his age to stand out there and hit us with joke after joke and song after song for as long as he did is nothing short of incredible. Equally incredible was that I could attend anything for nearly five hours and not want to leave.

Ken Dodd is a national treasure – and legend – and while he no doubt has a few years left in him, it wouldn’t be unfair to suggest that he won’t continue to tour for too much longer.

So if you want to see him, do it. Sure, be prepared for a long night, but you won’t regret it.

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The 14 Types of People You See On Internet Forums

October 22, 2015

Internet forums are interesting places, both in a good and bad way.

No doubt they are handy places to discuss mutual hobbies or interests with like-minded people – for me over the years it’s been Dundee United, Scottish Football, Gaming and TV mainly – or to seek out advice on subjects you might not be entirely familiar with.

As someone who has been active on social media of various forms since the 1990s, going back to mailing lists and even IRC chats, where I was actually offered my job with Sports Interactive way back in the day, I’ve seen all sorts of people come and go.

Mostly people are normal, but I was having a think about the different categories of weirdos that you’ll come across from time to time, and decided to make a list.

The chances are if you fit into one of these categories, you don’t really know it – or at the very least can’t accept it – but I’m sure if you’ve ever posted on a web forum, on Twitter or in a Facebook group, you’ll know a lot of people who these apply to.

I imagine I might be persona non grata on some of the forums I post on after this….

1.  The Nazi Admin/Mod/Owner

Internet forums attract all sorts of people, but generally speaking, the sort who wants to be an administrator or moderator is the type of person who craves power.

In their real lives they are probably bullied at work, hen-pecked by their wives or have an extensive collection of military memorabilia that they have set up in their bedrooms while they play Ride of the Valkyries on a loop.

Without question the worst type of forum I’ve seen for this are ones relating to TV. Doctor Who ones are terrible for it and in particular there’s one Facebook group I’m a part of that has a list of rules so long and become internet forum moderatorextensive, it’s like a political party’s manifesto.

Here’s the response I got from the admin of one place relating to a post of mine that they deleted…

“Dear Stuart, If you check Rule 6 you will see that your post is in violation of that rule. Using the word “hypothetically” does not remove the intent of this denigration. This would lead on to Rule 5, baiting of forum members, which is also in violation. Finally, Rule 16 on not bringing up moderation in thread, but asking a member of the team via PM. The latter on no fewer than three occasions! Given the above the admins feel any further violations will result a 24 hour timeout from the group. Please note, all decisions of the admin team are final and no further discussion will be entered into. Regards ____ on behalf of the admin team.”

How can you not read that and think “What a prick”. It’s the internet you sad bastard.

2. The Prick

Speaking of pricks, every forum seems to have one.

You know the sort; the one who everyone clearly dislikes because he’s such a…well…such an objectionable prick.

He’s rude, he’s aggressive, he’s got views that most people find utterly reprehensible; essentially he’s a sociopath.

And yet he either doesn’t realise it, or he doesn’t care.

Despite how much everyone would love him never to post on the forum again, he remains there, like a fixed point in time.

3. The Guy Who’s Never Off The Forum

No matter what time of day it is, this guy is on the forum and will always reply to comments instantly, and then get a bit upset if nobody has replied to his point within 30 seconds. He’s only been a member for a year, but he’s already got 35,000 posts to his name.

Mate, step away from the PC.

4. The Guy Who Tries To Get Along With Everyone

If everyone had the same opinion, what would be the point of discussion forums?

But there’s always that one guy who never wants to ruffle any feathers. He sits on the fence the whole time and agrees with everyone about everything.

You might think that’s nice, but after a while you just think “Oh have an opinion for crying out fucking loud!!!”

5. The Guy Who Only Posts To Tell People They Are Wrong

On a similar note there’s the guy who only posts to tell people they are wrong; usually because he’s set himself up as the resident expert, the Superfan or the guy with ‘Insider Contacts’. Ask him to expand on any points or to enter into a reasonable discussion and he won’t do it.

Probably because he can’t.

He lives only to hold the ‘I Know Something You Don’t’ card over people for all of time.

6. The Rival Fan (aka The Troll)

Usually found on Football forums, there’s always the guy who spends more time posting on the rival team’s forum/thread than anywhere else. It’s rife everywhere, whether it’s a specialised forum for a specific club trollor a thread on a general football site.

As an example of this, there’s a Dundee United thread on a general Scottish Football forum that I occasionally post on where in the last 5 pages the amount of posts from Utd fans are outnumbered by a ratio of probably 10:1 by fans of other clubs trying in vain to ‘wind us up’.

What’s the point?

It’s not just football related though. On gaming forums you’ll get people who post in threads of ‘rival’ consoles and slag it off, or on TV threads in the off topic section of forums it’ll be full of the sort of person who feels it’s their job to come in and post about how the subject matter is shit. Over the years I’ve noticed this is especially true of wrestling and Big Brother. Instead of the topics actually being about them, it’s crammed with people who need to remind others that they don’t like it and that only morons watch such things.

That’s fine mate, but my attitude is that if I’ve no interest in a subject, I’m not going to post about it online.

Trolling is something I’ve never understood.

7. The Guy Who Takes Everything Personally

You know the sort; they post an opinion, someone disagrees and then it’s  ——->MELTDOWN TIME<———.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been annoyed/stressed by forum arguments in the past, but never to the degree where I’ll throw the toys out of the pram just because someone has dared to disagree with me.

8. The Forum Resignation Letter Guy

Every forum has had that moment where a guy has had enough and decides to stop posting. But there’s that extra special moment – the moment to savour – where someone decides that they must announce their intention to stop posting with a heartfelt resignation letter that will bring a tear to a glass eye.

Presumably the intention is really for people to reply to the post demanding that they stay because they are too valued to leave.

But without fail, whenever someone does this, the reaction amounts to “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out you fucking drama queen”.

Again, it’s just the internet folks, stop being so fucking precious.

Oh, but those guys always return a week later anyway.

9. The Unofficial Technical Expert

There’s always a guy who takes up residency as the technical expert. If you’ve got a problem with any piece of kit, whether it’s a tablet or a toilet, he’s the man who has all the answers. This can happen on any forum, but my particular favourite are the ones who post on the official forums of mobile phone or electronics firms. They’ll answer questions, unpaid, at any time of the day in the hope of being offered a job.

I wonder if that’s ever worked?

10. The Guy Who Never Posts On The Subject Matter

He’s a regular poster and he’s been there for years, but does he actually contribute anything on the actual subject matter?

It’s like he’s hidden in plain sight.

Why’s he there?

Who knows.

11. The Guy Who Writes In His Local Dialect

I’ve got no problem with someone speaking in a local dialect, but why write in it? Surely that requires additional thought?

Or if I was to write that in Dundonian…

Ehve git nae prawblum we someone speakin in thir local tongue, ken.

Perhaps this is at its worst in Scotland, but you’ll inevitably get it all over the world.

I imagine forums in the Southern States of the USA will be full of people referring to each other as y’all.

12. The Resident Joker

Ah the Joker.

He’s liked by everyone and he’s able to defuse a heated debate with a witty bon mot.

Then there’s the 20 other guys who think that describes them.

But it really doesn’t.

13. The Creepy Guy

In the off-topic section of every forum there’s always a thread run by a guy who exists solely to post pictures of naked women and/or offensive jokes.

The very best (or worst) is example of this is a boy on a football forum I frequent who posts around 100 times a day with pictures and gifs of nothing but nudity.

Why he does it, I couldn’t tell you, but I imagine a psychologist would love to find out.

14. The Woman

Finally there’s that rarity; the one woman who shares a common interest with the guys and posts about it.

She’s instantly treated slightly differently by blokes who probably think “I might be in with a shot if we ever have a forum night out”.

It’s a long shot, but it’s as close as some might get.

Have I missed any categories out?

Let me know on twitter @sgmilne or leave a comment on here,

I’ve already had a suggestion for ‘Statistics Guy’ – the one who thinks he’s an expert because he’s looked up Wikipedia.

A great shout.


10 Wrestling Storylines That Would Make Football More Interesting

April 18, 2015

One thing you’ll read people say when their team is going through a bad patch and they are in the huff is that football is fixed.

Now you could argue that the importance of finance means that the sport is no longer anything even closely resembling an even playing field, but at the same time it’s not actually pre-determined. The authorities aren’t corrupt and the referees don’t really cheat.

But imagine a situation where they were? Imagine if football was a pre-determined, scripted form of sports entertainment like wrestling is? Would that be more fun if we didn’t actually know it was faked? Maybe it would be.

At the very least, it could arguably be more fun.

Here are ten examples of wrestling storylines that could work if football was scripted.

Disclaimer: These are all fictional scenarios based upon wrestling storylines and any resemblance to anything that may or may not have happened in reality is purely coincidence.

1. The 90th Minute Heel Turn

Picture the scene; two teams are battling hard to get the winning goal in a match at the end of the season. It’s 0-0 with one minute left. The home team’s most popular player has the ball at his feet and is pushing all his teammates forward. Then suddenly he turns around and kicks the ball into his own net. And then, to make matters worse, he takes off his shirt to reveal he’s wearing the away team’s top underneath and has

In this battle royal, The Big Show removed his red Raw T-Shirt to reveal he was wearing an ECW one. He then defected to the Extreme Brand.

In this battle royal, The Big Show removed his red Raw T-Shirt to reveal he was wearing an ECW one. He then defected to the Extreme Brand.

actually signed a pre-contract agreement with them.

Can you imagine how angry fans would get? A license to print money for the rematch next season.

2. Twin Magic

The premise is simple. A team has two identical twins playing for them who keep swapping on and off the pitch behind the ref’s back. Pure panto. Pure entertainment.

3. The Heel Ref

Just imagine a referee who deliberately cheats players out of free kicks and penalties, sends players off for nothing, ignores perfectly good goals, openly favours one team over another and blindly ignores the fouls committed by certain players.

That’s something that’s never happened before. Ever.

4.  The Invasion Storyline

So two sets of players are in the tunnel waiting to go out onto the pitch and then suddenly a team from a different league/country jump them all from behind and make their way onto the pitch instead, declaring that they have crossed the divide to take over the league.

That team then routinely does run-ins during other league matches, vandalises team buses and changing rooms and even take prize youth prospects hostage.

In the end, one team from the league stands up to them and defeats them in a Loser Leaves The League match.

5. The No Disqualification Match

There’s a deep-rooted rivalry between two teams. Matches in the past have resulted in a lot of yellow and red cards and the referees are struggling to control the players.

Ah the corrupt referee. If there was one of these in a scripted football world, it would be great, as long as he got his comeuppance.

Ah the corrupt referee. If there was one of these in a scripted football world, it would be great, as long as he got his comeuppance.

So to settle it once and for all, the teams agree to a No Disqualification match where fouls and offsides don’t count.

Mayhem ensues.

6. The Manager Changes Dugouts At Half Time

Remember when Mr Fuji turned on Demolition and went with the Powers of Pain at the 1988 Survivor Series? That could happen in a scripted football world.

Just before half time, a manager might inexplicably sub off their two best outfield players and the goalkeeper, replacing them with rubbish kids who don’t even play in those positions (and I bet nobody has EVER tried that in Football Manager…)

After those players rough the manager up a little, he ends up sitting in the away team’s dugout for the second half and plots his team’s downfall from there.

7. The Young Apprentice Storyline

At the beginning of the season, a team’s most experienced pro introduces a young starlet from the youth team into the starting lineup as his protegé. As the season develops, they form a great bond but around January they start to have a few arguments on the pitch. They patch things up each time though and shake hands, much to the crowd’s delight.

Then, at the end of season Player of the Year Awards, when the experienced pro goes up to collect his award, the youngster attacks him from behind with a chair.

The storyline is resolved in a crossbar challenge contest where the loser’s contract is torn up.

8.  The Authority Angle

Imagine the governing body of a nation’s football association is run by an unpopular, clueless tyrant who seems to have no interest in giving fans what they want, makes incredible decisions under the excuse of doing what’s “Best For Business”, kowtows to the TV stations who show their product and openly favours the biggest team in the league who are seen to be protected against all sanity because they are “The Face of the Company”.

Remember when Mr Fuji turned on Demolition and teamed up with the Powers of Pain DURING a match? That'd be fun in football.

Remember when Mr Fuji turned on Demolition and teamed up with the Powers of Pain DURING a match? That’d be fun in football.

Imagine…

9. The Returning Legends

More Rocky than wrestling, what if a club brought a team of legends out of retirement for one last run at the Championship/Cup.

In a scripted world, they would end up getting to the final, only to lose to an up and coming team, thus passing the torch.

They would then go off into the sunset.

10. The Referees Go On Strike

Wait…that did happen!!

Remember to buy my books folks; they are available on Amazon. Read about them here

 


10 Aspects of Social Media That Piss Me Off

December 31, 2014

Today is Hogmanay – or New Year’s Eve to anyone outside of Scotland – and that means I can look forward to a Facebook timeline full of comments like…

“2014 can do one”
“I’ve rolled with the punches and have come out the other side. Bring on 2015.”
“It’s been a great year; I’m blessed to have such amazing people in my life.”

…etc etc.

Just drab platitudes from people who feel they need to say something about it being the end of the year. Whoopee.

And that got me thinking about the other aspects of social media behavior that annoy me, so I thought I’d compile a list.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting everything I do or say on social media is life-changingly awesome, but what I post amuses me and that’s what counts. Some people will disagree and might think I’m the most boring, unfunny or self-righteous git in the world. Chances are as well that some people will get as far as seeing this article posted on Facebook and Twitter and think “Oh not another Stuart fucking Reviews Stuff article. I hate that guy”. And that’s fine.

For me, social media is a bit of a game, whether it’s drumming up business, getting people to read your stuff or just getting as many likes/retweets as I can. Sometimes you win the game and sometimes you lose.

Anyway, here’s my list.

1. Game Invites

Speaking of games, how many of you are sick to the back teeth of receiving game invites and requests from stuff like Candy Crush Saga on Facebook? It can be intrusive and relentless, but thankfully, you can block gamereqrequests from repeat offenders. Why people want to do it in the first place though, I couldn’t tell you.

2. Chain Messages

Whether it’s those ghastly bleeding heart ones about how “…most of you won’t reply to this, but I know the ones who care about me the most will” type or the more recent copy & paste ones like “Write down in one word where we met”, they are an unwelcome infestation on my timeline. In the case of the latter example, just reply to them with “Prison” or “Brothel” and that’ll shut them up.

3. People Who Post Deliberately Vague Status Updates

Urgh, these are the worst. You know the type I’m on about? The sort of message that people put up like “Change is coming” or “Can’t believe that happened”. These people post status updates without any intention of actually expanding on their point, probably just so their ‘friends’ can reply with “Awww, wots up huni?” and the like. Then the person will reply to their closer friends with “I’ll send you a text” while blanking the other people who ask what the problem is. Here’s an idea; why not just send the fucking text to the people who you wanted to know the problem in the first place?

4. People Who Post As Their Children

There’s something deeply wrong with someone who posts on social media on behalf of their own children. The most worrying examples of this are people who post a photo of their kid on their own social media page and write “I love my mummy/daddy so much”. What is to be gained from doing this? Do you feel that people need to know that your baby/toddler loves you, or do you need to know it yourself? Utterly bizarre.

5. Identical Relentless Selfies

There’s nothing wrong with taking pictures; ultimately that’s what Facebook is sorta designed for. But I don’t understand people who relentlessly post identical one. “Here is a closeup of my face in an unnatural position. You can’t see where I am or what I’m doing. It’s the same photo that you’ve seen of me every day for the last six years”. What’s the point?! And why do the friends of these people feel the need to reply to every one of them saying “Aww huni, you look amazin” etc. Obviously this is more of an issue with women than men.

6. Timehop

Timehop has its uses, but those are almost entirely for self reminiscence. You look at your own Timehop status updates and remember them. Other people don’t care what you said this time two years ago, nor do they want to see a photo of you from six years ago either. If they didn’t care then, they don’t care now.

7. Food Selfies

There’s nothing wrong with posting the occasional photo of a meal you are proud of making or are very pleased with in a restaurant – I posted a photo of my Christmas dinner less than a week ago – but the people

Stop The Press!!! Someone's Eating A Fig!!!

Stop The Press!!! Someone’s Eating A Fig!!!

who post a photo of every fucking meal don’t seem to realise how little people give a toss.

8. Trolls

There are people out there who make it their business to try to annoy others. I said above that I consider social media to be a game, but what sort of person plays that game just to get a negative reaction or promote some daft agenda? I get one or two trolls on Twitter through my job, but I just ignore them.

9. Tagging

Have you noticed that your timeline is infested with ‘hilarious’ memes and videos from the likes of The Lad Bible even though you don’t like them? Do you know why that is? It’s because of people who reply to these status updates with the nothing other than the name of some random friend they want to see it. That’s not what the reply function is for. If you want someone to see it, then share the link on either your or their timeline. But leave me out of it. On a similar note there are people who feel they need to tag their friends in every post they make. “Blah Blah Blah Blah…don’t you agree Stuart?” etc. There are some people who I’m not friends with on Facebook and have never met who manage to pop up on my timeline every day thanks to this.

10. Below The Line Comments on News Stories

Below the line comments are the domain of the obnoxious, stupid and ignorant. If you ever see any sort of news story posted on Facebook, just take a moment to read the replies. It’s the cesspool of humanity. No matter what the story is, there will be people out there pushing their own vile or blinkered agendas. Whether it’s some wifey rabble rousing a lynch mob to beat someone up under the guise of “Won’t somebody please think of the children” or trying to turn even the most harmless story into a debate about religion, it would be better if these people were barred from using social media forever.

Have I missed anything? Let me know!

Happy New Year folks.

 

 


Meat Idol 2014 – Putting The Mega Burger Box To The Taste Test

March 21, 2014

Stuart Reviews Stuff is usually a blog for TV shows, Films and Games.horse

But today I’m going to write about something different, based upon the requests I’ve been getting from people on my own personal Facebook page.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to buy a Deluxe Burger Box from the good people at http://www.exoticmeats.co.uk

Let’s face it; if you go to the supermarket, the chances are your only choices are beef, venison, lamb or pork, so it was interesting for me to try some of the more unusual animals in burger form.

Every day I’d be one of these boring sods who’d post a status update about what I’d just eaten, and – whether people were taking the piss out of me or not – I was asked to come up with a ranking of the worst meat to the best.

So brace yourselves, because here comes the most exciting list you’ll ever read.

It’s….MEAT IDOL 2014!!!!!

15. Wagyu Beef: If you’re going to sell it on the basis that it’s the “Caviar Of Beef”, then it should be the nicest beef burger I’ve ever tasted. It wasn’t; it was plain and ordinary.Baby-Alpaca-l

14. Zebra: Again, this tasted just like beef, which surprised me. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t nice, but it’s not what I was expecting/hoping for.

13. Springbuck: Once more, this is down towards the bottom of the list because it lacked any sort of distinctive flavour.

12. Goat: A nice taste, a unique taste, but a tough meat. And that’s not what you’re looking for in a burger.

11. Wild Boar & Apple: No issues, but not exactly exotic.

10. Crocodile: You’d be forgiven for thinking this was a pork/bacon burger. Difficult to tell when it was fully cooked, but enjoyable nonetheless.

09: Bison: Lean, but tasty. Unlike the Wagyu Beef, you felt you were getting something extraordinary rather than just a variation on a cow.

08:  Kangaroo: A strong flavour and a bit gamey. Lovely.

07: Llama: Delightful. A distinctive, slightly sweet taste.

06: Alpaca: Unsurprisingly, a bit like a Llama, but with an understated extra depth to it.

05: Horse: Put it this way; people should have felt lucky to have this rather than beef in their Iceland and Tesco ready meals last year. Delicious.camel

04: Reindeer: I described it while I ate it as “A party in my mouth”

03: Camel: Fully flavoured and a lot softer and more succulent than you would imagine.

02: Elk: Fantastic. A Deep, strong and almost smokey flavour.

01: Rose Veal: This comes out on top because it had a great flavour, was juicy and crucially, was almost melt in the mouth soft. Superb.

So there you go. I’ve enjoyed eating all these burgers over the last couple of weeks, and – cooked on a George Foreman Grill – I also believe I’ve enjoyed a healthier diet as a result.

The Burger Box will set you back £59, and while that might seem a lot for burgers, there were 30 in all, and it kept two of us in food for a fortnight.

Definitely worth splashing out for, either just to try it or if you plan on having friends round in Barbeque season.


The Top 40 Greatest Wrestling Themes Of All Time – Part Two

April 15, 2013

So Part One of my Top 40 Greatest Wrestling Themes of All Time has caused a bit of a stir.

I’ve had people lambasting the choices because they didn’t include Hulk Hogan’s ‘Real American’ theme, I’ve had people say that I’ve not chosen the right Big Bossman theme, for some reason there’s been a fair amount of support for the rather pedestrian ‘Armstrong Brothers’ theme from WCW and a regular reader of the blog is also upset that Big Daddy’s theme didn’t make the list. Not Big Daddy Cool, but Shirley Crabtree.

One person even said “You really ought to have called your list ‘My Top 40 Favourite Wrestling Themes Of All Time’ if that’s how you were going to go about it.”

Music is subjective, people; of course it’s my Top 40 Favourite themes. This is an opinion piece.

Anyway, the feedback I’ve got from it made me look at the second half of my list in greater detail. Were there any obvious ones that I’d missed compared to what I wanted to include?

Well, as it happens, yes there were.

Originally, the second half of this list included the music of Repo Man, The Ringmaster and The Texas Tornado, but I’ve axed them, and with it, it has meant that my alphabetical order has been slightly affected.

But that’s life I suppose. Once the dust has settled I’ll go back and rearrange them.

Anyway…

WWF

Hulk Hogan’s 2nd Theme

All this talk about Real American has made me remember Hulk Hogan’s other theme – the one that was actually written for him. How could I forget it? Well weirdly, after the Hulkster stopped using it, Bonnie Tyler took the instrumentals and turned it into a proper song – Ravishing – the opening number of her top-selling 1986 album ‘Secret Dreams and Forbidden Fire’

So I associate it more with that now.

Paul Orndorff’s “Mr Wonderful” Theme

There aren’t too many WCW themes on this list because they are of a generally lower quality, but last year I stumbled across a Youtube video of a Paul Orndorff match shortly before he was forced to retire in the mid 1990s.

His Mr Wonderful theme is one of the cheesiest-yet-most-amazing themes you’ll ever hear. The instrumental version was later used by The Maestro and was featured in the Legends of Wrestling Xbox game. Even without the words it’s pretty good, but with Jimmy Hart tweeting that some WCW themes might be getting released on iTunes, we can but hope that this is among them

The Powers of Pain

When the Warlord and Barbarian turned heel at Survivor Series 1988, they stopped using this theme altogether, presumably because it was too awesome not to cheer.

Real American

You know what, I’m not the sort of person to cut off my nose to spite my face. People are right; Real American – used by a number of wrestlers from the US Express to Hulk Hogan to Patterson & Briscoe – should be on the list ahead of Repo Man.

Ric Flair’s WWF Theme

And no, this isn’t the theme most associate with The Nature Boy – Also Sprach Zarathustra – but rather his far superior WWF Theme from 1991-93.

To me it suited the Flair character of the time far more.

Ravishing Rick Rude

When it was announced that Rick Rude would be in one of the WWE Smackdown games a few years ago, I was looking forward to hearing a proper quality version of his theme. Sadly, quality control at either WWE or THQ just don’t have a clue, because they included his utterly inferior 1st theme; the one that sounded like it was performed on a child’s toy keyboard.

I mean, who wants to hear that when there’s this one instead…

Rowdy Roddy Piper

Why don’t WWE believe in the mantra of “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?”

Roddy Piper has had a few themes since he first reappeared at Wrestlemania 19, but none have come anywhere close to being as good as the one he used between 1989 and 1996.

My favourite piece of bagpipe music.

Sanshiro Takagi

There have been lots of ‘proper’ songs used by wrestlers that weren’t made specifically for them. Songs like Ain’t No Grave, Enter Sandman, Rollin and many more have been used to great effect in the wrestling arena in the past and would be worthy of inclusion on this list.

But I’ve tended to avoid them because of what they are.

I’m making an exception with Sanshiro Takagi’s theme because the very nature of the original song has been changed specifically for the wrestler. And if you’ve ever seen a video of this guy’s entrance, you’ll get a new-found appreciation for it.

Sid Justice

Much like the way Roddy Piper’s theme should never have changed, when Sid reappeared in 1995, WWE should have kept him with his awesome Sid Justice theme.

Steve Austin

A bit like Kane’s theme, you almost forget how good Steve Austin’s entrance music is because you’ve heard it so many times.

But it defined the Rattlesnake character and isn’t a bad piece of music in its own right.

Strike Force

Originally, I wasn’t going to include this on the list because what Santana & Martel came out to was an instrumental version of the song Girls in Cars, and all that’s available of that online is the occasional short clip of it.

But sod it, I’ve done the same thing with the Mr Wonderful theme above, so this makes the cut.

Tatsumi Fujinami

We’re back to Japan for the final time for a piece of music that I still use on my gym playlist. Want a strong tune to help you through high impact cardio? You can go for Rocky IV or Tatsumi Fujinami’s 3rd theme.

The Mountie’s 2nd Theme

I would absolutely love to hear this in anything resembling decent quality. It’s just taking the piss and suited his character – post Summerslam 91 – so much.

If Fandango can get over based on the music he has, The Mountie would be a bona fide megastar nowadays.

The Nation

What you hear as The Rock’s theme was originally based on this version of The Nation’s theme from a short period in 1998. Much like Dan Severn’s entrance music, the chances of this being available in such good quality would be practically nil were it not for its inclusion in the WWF Attitude Playstation game.

Triple H’s King of King’s Theme

I’m not a fan of Time To Play The Game, and would far rather Triple H entered the arena to this superior song from the same band.

The Ultimate Warrior

Well it had to be in here didn’t it. Whether people want to admit or not, everyone loves The Ultimate Warrior, and his music plays such an important part in that.

The Undertaker

The Undertaker has had a ridiculous amount of themes in his time. I believe he’s up to about 26 now.

And a lot of them have been good, including the aforementioned Rollin’ and Ain’t No Grave, but I only want to induct one of his, and I’ve chosen the music he entered the arena to at Wrestlemania XV when he was in full on Satanictaker mode.

Just look at the state of both him and Paul Bearer in the video below; you’ve got to love the Attitude Era.

Vader

When Vader made an appearance on Raw last year, it cleared one thing up; they just don’t make entrance themes as good as they used to.

William Regal

Some people will probably say that I should be including his ‘Real Man’s Man’ theme, but let’s be honest, it’s rubbish.

His current theme, which he’s used on and off for the last 12 years, stands the test of time as one of the best.

If it was available in good quality, I’d be tempted to also include his short-lived theme from when he was the King of the Ring but alas it’s not.

The York Foundation

Rounding off the list is probably the most obscure one of the lot. Chances are that unless you got the video of WCW Starrcade 1990 you’ve never heard this.

But it works for me.

What Just Missed Out?

Clearly there are other pieces of entrance music that could have been included in the list, but narrowly missed out.

From the current WWE roster, I like the themes of Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett and Brock Lesnar, but that’s about it. Significant themes from the past like DX, Shawn Michaels, The Rockers, Ted Dibiase and Honky Tonk Man also miss the cut.

There are so many quality themes, or at least there used to be, so when you’re restricting yourself to 40 there will always be disappointment for some.

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Stuart Reviews Stuff is a free entertainment blog. If you enjoyed this or any other article on the site, please consider taking a moment to Like the official Facebook page. You can do that by clicking like on the side panel, or visiting the site here

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The Top 40 Greatest Wrestling Themes Of All Time – Part One

April 13, 2013

With the news that WWE wrestler Fandango’s entrance theme has become a global phenomenon over the last week, charting in countries from Australia to the UK ever since the raucous WWE Raw crowd started humming along in unison with it, it got me thinking about how few of the classic wrestling themes are commercially available.

I mean, if Fandango’s theme can chart, why not release The Mountie’s theme? I’d buy that.

And then that got me thinking about the best wrestling entrance themes of all time. There have been so many, even though it’s fair to say that the quality ones are fewer and farther between these days.

A wrestler’s theme should have character; it should fit the wrestler associated with it. Back in the day there were loads.

So I set about compiling a top 10, then a top 20 and finally I settled upon – fittingly – a top 40, since that’s the chart that Fandango’s theme has entered.

These are in alphabetical order rather than in order of preference. They are of course all my opinion, and I’m fairly sure that some omissions will lead to plenty of disagreement on twitter.

Enjoy

WWF

The Big Bossman

His 1990-93 theme was a good one, but in terms of fitting his 98-2002 heel character, The Big Bossman’s Attitude Era theme was better.

Big John Studd

This theme would later go on to be edited into “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan’s one, but the slower, more deliberate pace of this makes it a better theme as far as I’m concerned

Chris Jericho

You’ve got to love a bit of Y2J.

Crush

The big man had a number of themes in WWE, most of which were rubbish, but people of my generation will remember his Kona Crush theme with some fondness. What a guitar riff (is that the right term?) to start.

Dan Severn

Dan Severn didn’t exactly set the world on fire in his limp 98/99 run in WWE, but his theme song had a certain bad-ass nature to it.

Fun fact; the odds of this theme being released as Dan Severn’s theme are infinitesimal, but it was actually used in the WWF Attitude video game as Steve Williams’ theme. That’s how it’s available in good quality.

 

Demolition

Here’s a theme with character. I actually like the 1991 Crush & Smash theme too, but this is a proper song performed by Rick Derringer, made especially for Ax & Smash. And it’s a corker.

Sadly if you watch the WWE Anthology releases of PPVs from back in the day, they’ve replaced this theme to avoid paying Derringer any royalties.

Evolution

Another ‘proper’ song, this time done by Motorhead.

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers’ theme was designed to be annoying. The team were falsely pretending to be ‘All American Boys’. But it’s a corny classic.

Gangrel

Gangrel’s entire entrance, from his rising up through the floor through to spitting blood was genius. But it wouldn’t be half as good were it not for his theme. People will long memories will remember the crowd at the 1999 Royal Rumble swaying along to his music.

The Great Sasuke

My first venture away from WWE and it’s a good one. Although this theme was played two or three times in 1997 when Sasuke came over from Japan, it’s a Michinoku Pro effort, and the hands down winner of the award for Piece of Music I’d Most Like To Play On Guitar Hero

Hercules

Talk about themes custom made for the wrestler; Hercules’s theme is one of the very best. The sound of the drums and horns were made to match the main named after the great mythological strongman,

If only it existed in better quality

Jushin “Thunder” Liger

We’re going back to Japan again for the theme of one of the most recognisable wrestlers of all time, Jushin Liger.

A proper Japanese pop song just for him; you’ll be singing along with the girl.

Kane

Another masked man with a wig, it’s Kane.

It’s easy to disregard his theme considering you’ve heard it almost every week for 15 years, but it’s still a very atmospheric and suitable piece.

My favourite version is his 2nd version. I understand we’re up to number 15 now.

Ken Shamrock

I’ll admit it; when I was a teenager I’d listen to this to pump me up before my Higher exams at school.

You can’t not love The World’s Most Dangerous Man!

Kenzo Suzuki & Renee Dupree

On it’s own, the La Resistance theme is a catchy piece of stock music. The mashup with Kenzo Suzuki’s Oriential sounding theme makes it class.

You’ll never be able to hear your ‘New Email’ sound in Outlook the same ever again.

Kurt Angle

Would it be churlish of me to say that this is actually The Patriot’s theme? He used it first.

Quality tune though.

“Macho Man” Randy Savage

While not a piece of music made for the wrestler in question, Pomp & Circumstance just suited The Macho Man. Watch his entrance at Wrestlemania’s 6 or 7 as he comes to the ring on his throne and I challenge you not to be impressed.

The best bit of course is the end of the theme.

Such a pity he died before he could make up with Vince McMahon

Mitsuharu Misawa

The last trip to the Orient for Part One, Misawa’s theme was the sort that got the crowd going. Whenever it hit, they’d erupt in unison with chants “Mee-saaa-waa”.

Mr. Perfect

Another theme from the late 80s/early 90s.

It was certainly a thrill of mine – and everyone else in the Glasgow S.E.C.C. – to hear it played live one last time in 2002.

New World Order/Kevin Nash

It’s the first WCW theme to make the list, and it’s so good and so effective that it got used as late as 2011 in WWE for Kevin Nash.

And when his music hit for the first time when he made his return, the whole crowd instantly knew who it was. That’s the importance of a good wrestling theme.

I once read someone say they used it to come down the aisle at their own wedding. Fantastic.

Next Time…

So we’re half way there, and since this is in alphabetical order, you’ll probably notice a few big name themes are missing.

The likes of Hulk Hogan, Brock Lesnar, Degeneration X, Edge, Bret Hart and of course Hillbilly Jim all have great themes, but they just didn’t make the cut.

Get Involved In The Debate

Stuart Reviews Stuff is a free entertainment blog. If you enjoyed this or any other article on the site, please consider taking a moment to Like the official Facebook page. You can do that by clicking like on the side panel, or visiting the site here

You can also follow me on twitter @sgmilne

Feel free to get involved in the debate.