WWE Royal Rumble 2022 Review (or “In Desperate Need Of A New Coat Of Paint”)

It’s 2022 and I still consider myself a wrestling fan, having first discovered the WWF in 1991. By that I mean that I’m an avid listener of various podcasts like Something To Wrestle With and Grillin’ JR, I still watch classic clips on social media and indeed I regularly watch old shows. In fact, in the last couple of weeks, Mhairi and I have watched Wrestlemania X, King of the Ring 1994, Summerslam 94 and the full Royal Rumble 2002 card and have enjoyed them all into the bargain.

More than that, wrestling theme music is a regular addition to our gym and car playlists and only yesterday I pre-ordered a Mattel Legends series of WWE figures.

I am someone who still devotes time and money to wrestling, but unfortunately, it’s not current wrestling, and from a business perspective, that seems like a problem. In 2021 my wrestling viewing amounted to the Royal Rumble, the Hall of Fame ceremony, Wrestlemania, Summerslam and AEW All Out 2021 although I maintain a passive awareness of the product by what I read online.

Now if you’ve read this site – and if you have I just wanted to say “Hi, I’m still alive” since I haven’t posted since March of last year – you’ll know that I think WWE has gone stale. It just feels like the same thing being done over and over again with little attempt to change and no attempt being made to create new stars. In a business where everything a wrestler says is written for them in advance and they all come from the same cookie-cutter mould, this shouldn’t feel like too much of a surprise.

What a dreary lineup

And yet without fail, every January I look forward to the Royal Rumble because in theory, this is the one show that can’t miss. The match itself allows for a bit of nostalgia, a chance for different narratives to be set up in advance of Wrestlemania and a format that is always a little bit exciting.

What’s even more important now though is that it’s an opportunity for WWE to present to the lapsed viewer like me. If they are smart, they’ll know that this is the chance to show even the most jaded fan who still has a WWE Network subscription out of habit – or at least has a friend who still has one – what they are doing now and how they need to tune back in and start watching again. They aren’t going to get that opportunity at any other time throughout the year, even at Wrestlemania.

This is the event that has to be good, that has to be exciting and has to be fresh enough to tempt people like me back.

So how did they do?

WWE Royal Rumble 2022 Review

Well put it this way; if this was an opportunity to win me back, they blew it. Big time.

My complaint is that the product is stale and predictable and Royal Rumble 2022 only served to reinforce that point.

To go through things on a match by match basis…

Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins: Although it was a good match, this is hardly a fresh match up in WWE. The Shield first made their debuts in November of 2012 and these two have occupied main event positions in the company ever since. It was 2014 when Rollins turned on Reigns and subsequently, both men have fought each other several times. So while putting the two of them in the ring together will always achieve a decent match, I immediately just felt like I was watching a rerun.

The result was also very cheap and the crowd in the arena were not happy, which is never a good sign.

The Women’s Royal Rumble Match: Now, on the one hand, they did do something right in this match by having some nostalgia acts – although in some cases the way they were immediately eliminated made me wonder why they bothered – the problem is that these nostalgia acts are largely the same ones who get wheeled out every year along with a core of wrestlers who never seem to change.

In fact out of the 30 women who appeared in this year’s Rumble, only five of them were making their first Rumble appearance this time; Ronda Rousey and Aliyah along with three nostalgia acts (Ivory, Melina and Cameron who all lasted about 20 seconds each). 17 of the women in this match were also in the first women’s Rumble match in 2018.

Is that fresh? Of course not. The action was also dreadful and the outcome utterly predictable.

Becky Lynch vs Doudrop: I see Becky Lynch is still the overpowered Champion living off the crest of a wave formed over three years ago. The last time I watched the show she returned from maternity leave to an enormous ovation to pick up exactly where she left off. Six months later though, the crowd seemed comparatively muted. That doesn’t surprise me. Though I’ve never found Becky Lynch to be particularly entertaining or believable due to her comparative size, I get that she was hugely popular at one stage. But no matter who it is, if they are presented as invincible for years on end, it just gets boring. The match was ok, but hey-ho.

Brock Lesnar vs Bobby Lashley: Speaking of being presented as invincible for years on end, it’s Brock Lesnar (debut date: 2002). Lesnar made his comeback to WWE in 2012 and over the last 10 years has pretty much killed everyone he has been programmed against other than when he had a tummy ache against Triple H and got shat on by Goldberg (which was fun the first time, but then the whole Goldberg thing wore very thin). Now fair enough, in this match he finally faced Bobby Lashley (debuted 2005, returned 2018) for the first time, and for what it was, it was ok, but there were two problems with it.

The first is that the finish to this match – Heyman turning on Brock – first happened in 2002 and the second is that it made the conclusion of the mens’ Rumble match depressingly predictable.

Edge & Beth Phoenix vs Miz and Maryse: I imagine this is the first time this specific handicap match has happened, but the participants debuted in 1998, 2006, 2006 and 2004 respectively and while I definitely know this is the case for the two women, I’m also confident in saying that the men will also have faced each other multiple times now across three different decades. This does not make for fresh television, nor does it make me want to tune in on Monday.

Mens’ Royal Rumble Match: This was the one that I was really tuning in for and the one that year on year I will sit down to watch for the first time with a sense of optimism. Like I’ve said above, what I want to see from a Royal Rumble match is…

• Pacing 
• Storyline development
• A mixture of one-off returns to a great pop and fresh current stars
• A sense of unpredictability

Now fair enough, I can want unpredictability, but for the most part the winner of a Rumble every year can almost always be spotted a mile away. Even though Rumbles are usually littered with stars, everyone knew that Austin would win in 98, Rock would win in 2000, Batista would win in 2005 and so on. It made sense.

But knowing neither the storylines nor the entrants ahead of time, I thought this year I might be in for a surprise…until of course Lesnar lost and it was obvious he’d come in at 30 and win. What a disappointment.

It’s not just that though; nothing about this match was worth complimenting. Other than the Lesnar bit there were no storylines within the match. Go and compare that to 1992, 1997, 2002, 2005 or any other decent Rumble match you’d care to remember and you’ll see what I mean. No feuds were started or settled, and there was no flow to it; it was just a bunch of wrestlers coming out, doing nothing of note and then being eliminated without anyone caring.

There were also no surprise entrants to get the crowd interested. I’m led to believe that the 5 unannounced spots – the ones usually reserved for the big debut or nostalgia pops – went to Ridge Holland, Drew McIntyre (I didn’t realise he was out injured), Bad Bunny (who has no appeal to a UK viewer), Super Hard Shane McMahon (fuck off) and Brock Lesnar (again, not a surprise but from a logical storytelling perspective, how was he scheduled for this match when he was already the champion going in to the show?). Just awful.

The only interesting thing that happened in the whole match was Kofi Kingston messing up this year’s attempt at the spot where he stays in by holding on to something. That he fucked it up – probably because age is catching up with him and he’s not as athletic as he once was – is a reflection of how stale WWE has become.

And that was backed up by the lack of fresh participants.

I’m not going to go through everyone, but needless to say, it wasn’t the first rodeo for a lot of them. Occupying the middle ground are the likes of Styles, Big E, Corbin, Roode, Styles, Zayn, McIntyre and Owens who must have been in every one of them since the middle of the last decade or before, but they don’t hold a candle to Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston and of course Dolph Ziggler who has now appeared in 15 different Rumble matches and has achieved the square root of nothing in any of them.

In terms of new blood, only Rick Boogs and Madcap Moss were unknown to me and looked in any way impressive. Other than that it was a lot of tag team wrestlers who were never going to have any shot at winning.

Really, it just lacked star power. Out of all 30 participants, the only ones who the crowd seemed interested in were AJ Styles, Randy Orton and Brock Lesnar. Everyone else was either a no-mark or has just been on TV for so long without a break that the crowd have stopped caring, and the fact almost everyone had the same sounding entrance music added to the malaise.

To sum up, WWE is in desperate need of freshness. You look at guys like Dolph Ziggler, Rey Mysterio, Miz and so on and realise they have all been on our screens, pretty much uninterrupted for around 20 years. That’s too long. Wrestlers who are ingrained in our memories like Steve Austin, The Rock, Big Boss Man, Mr Perfect and more were on TV for a fraction of the time. Someone like Ken Shamrock was only around for 2 years!

I randomly checked the card for the 2010 Rumble and noted that 18 wrestlers featured on that show were also on the 2022 one. Of those 18, not a single one occupies a higher placing on the card than they did back then; only Edge is potentially at the same level on the card now as he was then.

Take that back another 12 years and only 5 wrestlers featured in 1998 appeared in 2010. Those wrestlers (Undertaker, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Kane and Mark Henry) all had equal or higher status over a decade later.

Travel back only 9 years earlier to the first Rumble PPV and only Shawn Michaels and Honky Tonk Man were there.

Doesn’t that just emphasise the point? It’s the same old same old and if anything, it’s just getting worse and worse with the little stars that still exist having less appeal than they did in their prime.

But ultimately, WWE still makes money hand over fist and in spite of my complaints, I imagine I’ll still tune in again next year.

Whether I tune in at all before that though, I wouldn’t be so sure…

 

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles Part 6 (or “Watching The 1999 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

The Attitude Era is in full swing and WWE is at the height of its popularity in 1999.

But that year’s Royal Rumble is widely considered as one of the poorer ones.

I have to admit at the time I really disliked it because it felt like a waste of the talent. For the first time, they never bothered to announce who was in it and the whole layout of the match felt overly scripted. You could argue that just about any Rumble match feels scripted, but I don’t think there’s ever been one so obviously set out into 4 distinct acts. First there was Austin vs McMahon, then a build-up of low card people to be eliminated by Mabel (who was then taken by the Ministry), then another buildup of mid-card talent to be eliminated by Kane (who was captured by the orderlies) and then DX and Austin vs the Corporation to finish.

What I would say though is that 20 years later I think it’s aged quite well, and is a far more entertaining watch than the 1998 Rumble which felt so clogged up.

As always though, it’s not about what I think, it’s about what my non-wrestling fan girlfriend Mhairi thought…

In the pre-match video package, Mhairi expressed concern that the Undertaker “never has anything good happen to him“. Based on how he’s done in Royal Rumbles, she has a point.

“Oh no, The Fink is looking old these days”

#1 – Steve Austin: “He’s got a sparkly vest. Thank god he’s changed into his pants; those jean shorts were not working for him.”

#2 – Vince McMahon: “Oh, put the oil down Vince. He’s got a weird body; a very big neck crease but he needs to work on his core. He looks like his head has been put on the wrong body. He’s sucking his stomach in.”

Vince McMahon may have big muscles in most places, but his saggy core didn’t impress Mhairi

“Is it back to 2 minutes or are they just putting people out there whenever they feel like it like last time” – We listened to the Something to Wrestle With…Bruce Prichard Rumble 1999 podcast a few days after this and it turned out that yes, they just sent people to the ring whenever they fancied. It ranged from 1m10s to 2m50s.

#3 – Golga: “Hahaha. Who’s he? The crowd love him. That’s Earthquake? Sexy gimp mask. He’s gone already?!? I’m so disappointed. I’ve just got him back and now he’s gone.”

Austin and McMahon leave the ring: “I hope the next person just has to come out and stand there.”

#4 – Droz: “He does just have to stand there. Go on son, do some push-ups. Oh he’s got a nipple ring; that’ll hurt when it gets pulled.” I’m guessing if it ever was pulled, Droz didn’t feel it…

#5 – Edge: “Is that Triple H? Ooooh he’s just a big face. And a very big mouth. But he’s got some funky velvet trousers.”

#6 – Gillberg: “It’s shit Stone Cold. Don’t write this but is there something mentally wrong with that guy?”

“I know this is all predetermined but the character Vince McMahon plays is the worst type of person you get. Prick. I don’t like him”

#7 – Steve Blackman: “Oh it’s him again. He’s hard as fuck.”

Austin is attacked in the women’s toilets: “Oh no, Stone Cold is dead. To be fair he’s acting that very well. He should be in the movies instead of The Rock.”

#8 – Dan Severn: “Oh dear. He’s sweaty. He’s got a tough moustache. Why is he wearing a t-shirt?”

I explain Severn wears a T-shirt because he doesn’t have a good body: “Aww that’s not fair. The big Japanese guy didn’t have a good body but he still just wore a nappy.

#9 – Tiger Ali Singh: “Didn’t See him; they’re too busy loading Austin into an ambulance. Is he really hurt? No? Well they are fair going for it with the acting”

“Prediction: Stone Cold will come out towards the end of the match and everybody will lose their shit”

#10 – Blue Meanie: “Woah, fucks sake. So (Severn) has to wear a T-shirt but that flabby bastard gets to wear a crop top? That’s hardly fair”

#11 – Mabel: “It’s 600lbs Mabel. He looks fucking angry. He’s not wearing a colourful outfit anymore”

Jerry Lawler: “That guy is as wide as a door”

Mhairi: “That’s a really unkind thing to say”

 #12 – Road Dogg: (Mhairi watched Road Dogg’s intro at the start of the PPV) “Oh great…him. I do not like him. Cocky little shit.”

Speaking of cores, Mhairi couldn’t understand why Dan Severn had to wear a t-shirt to cover up his body but Blue Meanie could wear a crop-top

The lights go off: “Is this the Undertaker coming in” (she’s getting the hang of this)

“Oh no; those guys are hurting Mabel. What did he do”

“Oh I see Paul Bearer is back by his side; the treacherous bastard”

“Does the Undertaker ever suffer eyeball damage from rolling his eyes back like that? I can’t do it, and I’ve tried”

#13 – Gangrel: (Who I’ve shown Mhairi before. Upon hearing his tune she starts swaying to the music) “Oh look it’s your boy, the happy vampire. The chubby vampire. I think he needs to stop eating so much. Look at his neck”

Gangrel is eliminated: “Back to Sunnydale for you.”

#14 – Kurggan: “Why do they keep changing the wrestlers’ characters? He looks simple now, but the crowd seem to enjoy him”

#15 – Al Snow: “Is that guy just trying to copy Mankind?”

#16 – Goldust: “Yeah it’s Goldust. And he’s back to Classic Goldust; none of the weird shit like last time”

“I’m really enjoying the crowd this year; it’s full of weirdos just pointing at things”

#17 – The Godfather: “He’s cool. Pimp Daddy.”

Once again I remind her that’s Papa Shango: “Yeah Poppy Shongo”

#18 – Kane: “Undertaker is coming out again. Who’s he recruiting now? Oh wait, it’s Kane; I don’t like him. He’s a betrayer”

“Yeah, Road Dogg is gone”

“Oh no, Poppy Shongo is gone too!”

“Kane looks like a member of Slipknot” (I don’t know what that means)

“Whatever happened to Virgil?”

#19 – Ken Shamrock: “It’s your boy; Chamrock. Oh he’s a scary looking bastard”

“Oh great, that arsehole Vince McMahon is back, in his sweats”

Vince: “Austin isn’t coming back.”
Mhairi: “Yes he is.”

#20 – Billy Gunn: “He’s only got one shoe on. Go on Mr Abs. That’s what it says on his bum hole.”

Michael Cole: “We’re waiting to hear on the condition of Stone Cold”
Mhairi: “He’s standing backstage waiting to come back out”

#21 – Test: “His name is Test? That’s just stupid.”

Austin returns so Mhairi fakes excitement: “Oh my god, I didn’t see that coming.”

“There’s a lot of crotch-punching going on this time. I don’t like it”

#22 – Big Bossman: “It’s Big Bossman. Oooh he’s gone all goth with that outfit. And he’s lost weight. And I like his music. Yeah”

Mhairi wasn’t a fan of Chyna or how Mark Henry literally ran over the top rope when she ‘eliminated’ him

On Billy Gunn and Test: “Those two blonde guys in the corner are just obsolete now Austin is in.”

#23 – Triple H: “I like his music too but I don’t like him. Prick.”

#24 – Val Venis: “Who’s he?” (I explain his gimmick) “Brilliant. I hope he has sex in the ring”

“Why did Vince call his son ‘Shane McMahon’ rather than ‘Shane’? Bit formal isn’t it?”

#25 – X-Pac: “It’s that scrawny awful Kid. He’s got a beard now though so he’s gone through puberty.”

#26 – Mark Henry: “Brilliant nickname. Suits him. He is sexual chocolate”

“Is Big Bossman meant to be in the SAS now rather than a prison guard?”

#27 – Jeff Jarrett: “Oh Jeff Jannett. He looks like Kiefer Sutherland in the Lost Boys. And look at (Debra’s) big ol’ fake titties.”

#28 – D’lo Brown: “Oh he’s smoooooth. A funky little bastard. Why do all the wrestlers come out with women”

“Oh there goes Test. Shit name. And 1-2-3 Kid”

#29 – Owen Hart: “Boooo. But I feel I can’t say anything bad about him now since you said he was your favourite wrestler”

Me: “What about the fact he’s only a few months from death”
Mhairi: “Nah that doesn’t change my opinion on him”

#30 – Chyna: “She’s fucking scary. I mean look at her. Her boobs are weird. Why is there a woman in there anyway?”

She eliminates Mark Henry: “Oh that’s so fake. She just let go of him about a meter away from the ropes and he ran over the top himself. Shit.”

Austin eliminates her: “Good”

“Steve Austin is my pick now seeing as he just wins all the time now. And it’ll be really annoying if he doesn’t win considering all the buildup”

“How is Owen even still in it after they fucked over his brother? Where’s his loyalty?”

“Why are the commentators obsessed with Steve Austin’s blue eyes?!”

“Oh shit, it’s the Rock with a brown shirt on”

“He’s going to distract Austin and McMahon is going to throw him out, right?”

That happens

“See. Shite”

Mhairi’s Final Thoughts: Her impression was similar to how I felt when I first watched it. Too stagey and focused on McMahon and Austin. Not her least favourite one though.

Previous Mhairi Reviews Rumbles

1993
1995
1996
1997
1998

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles Part 5 (or “Watching The 1998 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

Next up in our journey through the years is the 1998 Royal Rumble.

Personally I’m not a huge fan of this one, as it’s just not that well structured. It just seems as though everyone is just standing around waiting for Steve Austin to arrive and eliminate everyone, and while he was obviously going to win this Rumble on the march to his first world title, it would have been nice if they tried to present some form of opposition too him or at least did some other stories. Yes, Owen Hart was bizarrely attacked by Jeff Jarrett on his way to the ring but that made no sense and if I recall correctly, it wasn’t even followed up on.

So yeah, this one was a bit of a means to an end, and a damp squib.

But what did Mhairi – a non wrestling fan in a wrestling fan’s world – think?

#1 Cactus Jack: “Who’s that? Mankind? I prefer him this way. He’s got snazzy leopard print boots.”

#2 Chainsaw Charlie: “Bloody hell, that guy is a nutter.”

They hit each other with chairs. “Oh that’s just stupid. Calm the fuck down Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

#3. Tom Brandi: “Tom Brandi eh? I’m guessing he’s from Italy based on his panties”. Wow…well observed.

#4. The Rock: “He’s in early. He’s definitely got better looking with time”

#5. Mosh: “Who’s this tough bastard? He looks like he’d bite your ear off”

Funk misses a moonsault:  “Whey, minter”

#6. Phineus Godwinn: “Whey, Hillbilly. It’s not the main one but he’ll do. Oh his tune is weird, it’s gothic country music”

Mhairi continues to have absolutely nothing to say about Faarooq.

7. 8-Ball: “It’s shit Stone Cold Steve Austin”

Cactus Jack is eliminated: “Oh no, see you later leopard print boots”

#8. Blackjack Bradshaw: “Ooft look at that moustache. He’s come straight from the porn set”

“Don’t Go Messin With a Country Boy is the catchiest of the wrestling themes”

#9. Owen Hart. “Booooooooo. Why is he still here?

Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette attack Owen Hart: “Yay, that guy just attacked him. Who’s the boy in the suit? He just walloped the fuck out of him with a frying pan”. Cornette is famous for his frying pan.

“Ha, look at those children all upset”

#10. Steve Blackman: “It’s Wolverine! Oh no, it’s a guy called Steve Blackman. Bloody hell though, he looks hard as fuck. And he’s built. But then if he is Wolverine…”

#11. D-Lo Brown: “Is he related to Bad News Brown? No? Awww”

#12 Kurggan The Interrogator: “Fu-cking-Hell he is scary. He looks like a serial killer. And he’s not blinking. Wolverine looks tiny next to him”

#13 Marc Mero: “Who’s that guy? And why is he coming out with cat woman. He looks too cheery to be in this. Why’s he boxing? Wrong sport mate.”

On Sable: “She looks like she’s got some big fake titties”

#14. Ken Shamrock: “It’s the guy with the tune you always play”. Yes, Ken Shamrock’s theme is very much part of my workout playlist.

Kurggan goes out: “Noooo, the serial killer is out. It was fun with him in it”

“The two minutes goes quick. It’s like they are just making it up as they go along”

#15. Thrasher: “He just looks like the other one. I bet he’s not going to be in for long”

On Marc Mero: “I think Muhammad Ali needs to to calm the fuck down. He’s just standing on his own, skipping”

#16. Mankind: “How is that allowed? Has he just gone for a shower and come back? That’s cheating.”

#17. TAFKA Goldust: “Goldust! He’s got a new outfit.! He’s wearing women’s underwear! That’s not a good idea. Is he going through his Miley Cyrus phase or something?”

On Marc Mero: “What’s Apollo Creed up to? He’s just faffing about in there”

#18. Jeff Jarrett: “It’s the guy who beat up Owen Hart. I like this guy. He’s a bit show-offy but that’s ok. I hate Owen Hart”

Marc Mero’s showboating was a highlight of sorts.

“Awww, Owen Hart is back out. Boooooo”

“That’s a busy ring; some fucker needs to go”

#19. Honky Tonk Man: “It’s the Honky Tonk Man. Brilliant, he’s still on the go. And he’s got one of those cheeky nipple tops”

HHH eliminates Owen Hart from the outside: “Yeah, get him out. Beat him with a crutch”

Owen falls running backstage: “Ha, minter”

#20: Ahmed Johnson: “It’s the guy with the wedgie from last year. Terry Crews. Oh he’s lost a lot of muscle. And he’s forgotten to take his anti snore strip off.”

#21. Mark Henry: “Smiley black man. I like him”

#22. Nobody: “Is this going to be like the year Randy Savage didn’t show up”

Jim Ross: “This is only Honky Tonk Man’s second Royal Rumble appearance”

Mhairi: “No it’s not, it’s his third”. Poor show when Mhairi knows the product better than the lead commentator.

#23. Kama: “He looks like he should have been in prison”

I remind her once again he used to be Papa Shango

“Who? I don’t know who Papo Shango is”

This time I urge her to find a photo of him

“Honestly, I don’t know who that skull faced Mexican is”

#24. Steve Austin: *fake scream* “He’s here! That little trickster.”

Jim Ross on Austin: “No more Mr Nice Guy”

Mhairi: “No he’s not. He’s trying to choke a man to to death with his vest”

#25. Henry Godwinn: “Yeah!! It’s my boy. Wait that is my boy isn’t it? He’s got a different top on so I can’t tell. Wooo, Don’t Go Messin With A Country Boy”

Vader: Reliable and Smooth, apparently.

#26. Savio Vega: “Oh no, the guy with the kind face has fallen in with a bad crowd. Has he joined a gang? Look at the amount of hair on that guy’s back who he’s with”

#27. Faarooq: “Faarooq.” This is the second year in a row there has been no comment whatsoever on Faarooq.

As Austin and Rock fight outside some women scream: ”Those women are living it. I bet they are soaking”. Oh crumbs.

#28. Dude Love: “How is this allowed? He can’t come back again. Oh no, he’s eliminated Pornstache (Bradshaw)”

#29. Chainz: “Shit biker. Is Undertaker not in it?”

“What about the dentist or the Jew?”

#30: Vader: “Good old Vader. Unlike Goldust he’s consistent with his costume. Reliable old black and red. Look at him schmoozing on down to the ring. Oh yeah baby”

“Noooo, Honky Tonk Man is out. I don’t understand why he’s a bad guy”

I explain his gimmick is that he’s a deluded Elvis impersonator.

“Well that doesn’t make him evil”. Good point.

“It’ll come down to the Rock and Steve Austin. Austin will win” 

“Yeah, I got it right”

Mhairi’s Final Thoughts: She basically agreed with me. The ring was too busy, not enough happened and the outcome was predictable.

Previous editions…

1993
1995
1996
1997

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles Part 4 (or “Watching The 1997 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

Next up in the series is the 1997 Royal Rumble.

Even though it was a year where business was at its most perilous for the WWF, 1997 is possibly my own favourite year in wrestling, mainly thanks to the Bret Hart/Hart Foundation storyline and the way things slowly became more reality based. It was an exciting time, with an ever changing roster and a – pardon the pun – raw feel to it.

That being said, the 1997 Royal Rumble still feels a little bit away from that, mainly due to some of the odd hangovers from 1996 like Fake Razor Ramon and Diesel, and the over-reliance on Mexican wrestlers throughout the show.

Indeed it’s the Mexican wrestlers who bring the Rumble match down for the first half. Things build to an exciting finish in the end though, making it probably one of the better ones up to this point.

Wait though, it’s not my thoughts you’re here for; it’s  my non-wrestling fan girlfriend Mhairi’s.

Here’s her as-live comments while watching the 1997 Royal Rumble match.

Before it started, Mhairi wanted it noted that she really doesn’t approve of the Rumble match going on second last. I think we can all agree on that one…

#1. Crush: “That’s never Crush is it? He looks totally different. And he’s been joined by some sophisticated black men in tuxedos.”

#2 Ahmed Johnson: “Ooh he’s got droopy boobs.”

“They are just touching each other’s bums. Now Ahmed is on his knees in position for some you know what. Saucy.”

Mil Mascaras is “Part Man, Part Disco Ball” according to Mhairi. Meanwhile she just considers Owen Hart a prick.

#3. Fake Razor Ramon: “Oh what, there’s no countdown?. And it’s Shit Gaston. Wait, that’s not the same guy. That’s so shit.”

Ahmed eliminates himself : “Woah, where’s Terry Crews going?”

#4: Phineus Godwinn: She starts singing ‘Don’t Go Messin with a Country Boy’. “Wait? That’s not the Hogfather. I don’t care. His manager is cool. Oh that’s Hillbilly Jim? The one who sings the song? He’s the man.”

“Why is the countdown not on for this match? This is depressing me; I need to be primed and ready for a new guy coming in.”

#5. Stone Cold Steve Austin: “Woooo!! Stone Cold from the Broken Skull Ranch!!”

They’ve got the clock fixed by this point, so Mhairi is content.

“Oh shit, Phineus is gone. Booo”

#6. Bart Gunn: “Oh he’s oily. He must love himself.”

“Stone Cold is doing press-ups. Fucking legend. Give him a bar so he can do some clean & presses”

#7 Jake Roberts: “Oh got even bigger. He’s put on so much weight. Look, his leggings don’t fit! There’s no way he’s only 42. He’s not sexy anymore. Oh no, he’s gone!”

#8: British Bulldog: “Wooo, British Bulldog. He’s got some fuzzy boots and slicked back hair!”

He attacks Austin: “He won’t be going to the Broken Skull Ranch will he? Then again, he’s dead”. Oh that’s cold…

Flash Funk: Definitely brought the Funk

#9: Pierroth: She dances to his tune until she sees him. “Who the fuck is that guy. A Mexican wrestler? Get him out”

#10: The Sultan: “Where’s he from? Dubai? Look, he’s dressed like a genie”

Jim Ross says on commentary: “Remember, both feet must touch the floor.”

“Yes, we know”

#11. “The Legendary Mil Mascaras”: “Never heard of him. Look, he’s part Disco Ball”

#12: Hunter Hearst Helmsley: “Booo it’s Triple H. That smug bastard”

Sultan is out: “Oh no, The Genie.”

#13: Owen Hart: “Booooooooooooooo. I really don’t like him. He thinks he’s better than everyone else with his ugly face”

“I don’t like British Bulldog now if he’s friends with Owen Hart”

#14. Goldust: “Aww shit, Goldust is it in it! He’s going to beat HHH”

“Why does (Jim Ross) keep telling us the rules? It’s not complicated. And why would he think the wrestlers don’t know them? I’m sure Goldust knows he has to stay in the ring”

#15: Cibernetico: “Pfffft. Nice pants mate.”

 #16. Marc Mero: His entrance was overshone by the Mil Mascaras eliminating himself so when asked for comment, Mhairi says “Ach He’s just a generic wrestler, but he’s got a moustache”

#17: Latin Lover: “What’s with all the Mexicans? He looks shit”

#18. Faarooq: There was a distinct lack of interest in Faarooq. Rather than even acknowledging his entrance Mhairi asks…

Henry Godwinn has become a firm favourite, but initially Mhairi was concerned about the “Menacing Thug” walking behind him

“Is Earthquake in this? Aww. Tugboat? No? Aw come on”

“Terry Crews is back. I knew he wasn’t eliminated”

#19: Savio Vega: “Saudi Arabia? Oh wait, it’s the kind faced Puerto Rican. The kind of guy who’d give you accurate directions to a church”

“Is that Owen Hart out? Good; I really hate that prick”

Jerry Lawler says: “Wow, how many guys has Austin eliminated?

Mhairi replies: “About 5. It’s not that impressive. That being said, he’d better win this. He deserves it for all the times he’s had the fuck kicked out of him.”

#20: Jesse James: He was eliminated before Mhairi could say anything other than “See you later, Country.”

#21: Bret Hart: His music hits before Mhairi sees him but Steve Austin looks scared on the screen. “That’s wonderful acting from Stone Cold. Who is it? It’s Bret Hart. And he looks like he’s been rolling around in Ronseal”

#22: Jerry Lawler: “Wait, is he going in? Brilliant. Did he forget? Ha, he’s out already”

Jim Ross comments that Bret Hart hit Steve Austin “south of the border”

“I think you’ll find Mr Commentator that he headbutted him in the cock” 

#23. Fake Diesel: “Oh yeah, Big Daddy”. I tell her it’s the fake Diesel. “It’s the same guy. He’s just as tall. Stop trying to confuse me”

“Oh wait, it’s not him is it?”

#24: Terry Funk: “He’s not as cool as his brother. Is Dory Funk in this too? The guy with the underpants, cool jacket and the cowboy hat?”

“I hope Bret Hart doesn’t win. I’ve decided I don’t like him either”

#25: Rocky Maivia: “The rookie. Oh wait, is that The Rock? He looks so young. And small. And with hair”

“Fuck You Bret Hart. You overly-serious weirdo. Well he is! He didn’t play along with the Bushwhackers”

*As a big fan of theirs, Mhairi watched the Bushwhackers’ Hall of Fame speech yesterday and was left deeply unimpressed by Bret Hart’s lack of interest in doing their Bushwhacker March. I thought that was about as animated as Bret Hart could have got, to be honest.

#26. Mankind: “Who’s he? What’s he meant to be? I don’t understand his gimmick at all”

#27. Flash Funk: “Mmmmmmhmmmmm. He’s cool. Black Elvis. He really is funky”

“How has nobody broken their neck on a piledriver? They have? And lived? That can’t be right. When I was growing up I was told if you broke your neck that was it. That’s why I’ve always been very careful not to break my neck.”

#28: Vader: “It’s Vader, or as they seem determined to call him “The Man They Call Vader”, so they presumably don’t get sued”

Bret Hart’s stoic lack of enthusiasm for doing the Bushwhacker March has forever tainted him in the eyes of Mhairi.

As the countdown starts for #29: “Is the Hog Farmer in it? What about the Dumpster? Or the Dentist? Or the Jew?”

#29. Henry Godwinn: “Yeah!!!!!!! Who’s the big thug behind him? Is that Hillbilly Jim again? Yeah!!!!” Yeehaw”

#30: The Undertaker: “Is it Undertaker? Cool. It’ll take him 10 minutes to get down there’s. He’s going to fuck up Vader isn’t he?”

“I think Austin will win but I hope it’s Undertaker. He’s been very unlucky”

“Calm the fuck down Undertaker; don’t you dare punch Black Elvis”

Undertaker eliminated Godwin: “I guess Undertaker goes messin with a country boy”

“Imagine being Undertaker’s wife. You wouldn’t want to get into a domestic with that guy would you?”Austin gets eliminated “Oh no. Oh shit. Oh what! Oh wait, he’s back and he’s won?! How are they letting him away with that? That’s bullshit, I wanted Undertaker to win”

On Bret Hart’s post match tantrum “See, that’s why no one likes him. He’s a whining bitch”

Mhairi’s Final Thoughts on the 1997 Royal Rumble Match: “This one was definitely one of the better ones we’ve seen. Too many Mexicans though. And I wanted Undertaker to win.”

Previous Mhairi Reviews Rumbles articles..

1993

1995

1996

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles Part 3 (or “Watching The 1996 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

Following on from Saturday night’s viewing of the 1995 Royal Rumble, we tackled the 1996 one last night.

My observation is that it’s certainly one of the better ones. Unlike 1995, where the roster was paper thin to the point they had to fill it out with no-marks like Well Dunn or bring back guys like Rick Martel and Crush to zero build or fanfare, this time around the roster was not only stronger, but the available gaps were filled by guys with name value whose return was built up (Jake Roberts), debuting (Vader) or respected abroad (Dory Funk Jr and Takao Omori). And also Doug Gilbert was in it…

To me at least it feels like the WWF is in a period of transition between what came before and what was to come in the form of the more Attitude-Era-lite Rumble of 1997.

But what did Mhairi – with very little knowledge of wrestling – think of it?

Here’s the notes I took during our viewing…

#1. Hunter Hearst Helmsley: “Is that Triple H? I didn’t realise he actually had a name.”

#2. Henry Godwin: “Ha, the Hog guy. I had his theme tune stuck in my head you’ll be happy to know.” (note: Don’t Go Messin’ With A Country Boy is dubbed off the WWE Network, but it has been known to be played in my car from time to time, so she knows that should be his theme).

#3. Bob Backlund: “Aww cool, he’s still going? Legend. He’s a bit chubbier now though. He’s packed on the beef.”

“Oh no, Bob Barker is almost out”

#4. Jerry Lawler: “Ah, the cheeky nipple of an overweight middle aged man. Are we supposed to be booing him?”

Henry Godwin brings out his slop bucket and throws it on the heels: “Oh my god, that’s disgusting. You tinky bastard Hog man. You’ve got it all over Bob Barker.”

#5. Bob Holly: “Who? Another generic wrestler”

Mr Perfect mentions Vader is coming in later: “Is Darth Vader in this? That would be mental”

She’s now singing “Don’t Go Messin With A Country Boy”

#6. King Mabel: “Fucking hell. He’s a big lad. Oh is that the other clown guy” (I don’t know what she means by that).

Mr Perfect says Mabel weighs 568lbs: “He’s put on 68lbs since last year? They said he was only 500 last time. That’s a lot of cupcakes”. Remembering such a minor detail about a wrestler’s weight channels the spirit of Art Donovan’s 1994 King of the Ring commentary. I guess Mhairi knows more about the product though…

Perfect then says the ring has been specially reinforced for all the weight : “Alright Mr Perfect, enough of your fat shaming, 1996 style”

#7. Jake Roberts: “Alright, Jake the Snake!!! Brilliant. Look at those sexy psychotic eyes. I’d play with his snake any time. Look at it though, it’s fucking huge”

“Bob Barker needs a new outfit; the underpants look isn’t doing it for him anymore”

#8. Dory Funk: “Yeeeeeehaw. Woah-ho-ho, who the fuck is that? He’s so old, and he’s wearing the same pants as Barker. Sexy fucker.”

Dory Funk Jr: A source of much hilarity

She’s in hysterics and makes me rewind it to his entrance again.

“Dory Funk!!! He’s named after a fish!!!”

#9. Yokozuna: “He’s getting even bigger. Did the commentator just say he’s the biggest man in history?”

#10. 1-2-3 Kid: “He’s a bit skinny, how did he become a wrestler. Oh he is really not a pretty boy is he?

Razor Ramon chases him out to the ring: “Look, it’s shit Gaston”

#11. Takao Omori: “Alright mate, calm down.”

#12. Savio Vega: “Oooh he’s got a funky tune. He’s gone straight after Mabel. Is he trying to assert his dominance? Legend.”

Mabel is eliminated. “See you later tubs” (I guess that’s fat shaming 2019 style)

#13. Vader: “It’s Vader!! With his gimp mask and nipples out. Oh mate, your top is too tight.”

Funk is eliminated. “Aww no, sexy grandad”

#14. Doug Gilbert: “Who’s that? Mr Perfect just said the same thing. You’ve got to admire his honesty”

“I see Generic Wrestler is still in. Well done him”

#15. Squat Team 1: “That guy is surprisingly short. Look at him wobble”

#16. Squat Team 2. “They are identical twins? Cool, it’ll fuck with the other wrestlers’ minds”

“Why is it they keep calling him The Man They Call Vader?! That’s so stupid!”

#17. Owen Hart: “Boooooooo. I still don’t like him, the grumpy bastard”

As Vader and Yokozuna attack Savio Vega: “Oh no, friendly black man is getting beaten up. He looks like he’d lend you money or give you directions if you asked him”

#18. Shawn Michaels: “Who’s that?” I tell her it’s Shawn Michaels. “Oh is it? I never recognise him year on year.”

The Ringmaster: Not as scary as Stone Cold Steve Austin of the Broken Skull Ranch.

“Oh Vader is an ugly bastard”

#19. Hakushi: “Oh, that guy means business. Don’t fuck with him”

“Gorilla Monsoon is a big lad.”

#20. Tatanka: “They are just ignoring his entrance. He must not be important so I don’t care”

Just as Mhairi started to get right behind Hakushi and his “flippy moves”, he was eliminated. She’s now despondent.

#21. Aldo Montoya: “All I have to say is he was in last year. He’s awful.”

#22. Diesel: “Oh Big Daddy. He’s so tall.”

#23. Kama: “Another one you wouldn’t mess with.”

I explained he used to be Papa Shango: “I don’t know what that means”

“I like Mr Perfect on commentary. He’s very honest”

#24. The Ringmaster: “Oh my god is that Steve Austin from Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Ranch?! He looks so different. He’s not muscular and he doesn’t scare me.”

“Shawn Michaels doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just flipping on the ropes on his own. It doesn’t make sense”

Bob Holly is finally eliminated. Despite his great effort Mhairi simply said: “Yeah, fuck you generic wrestler”

#25. Barry Horowitz: On hearing his entrance music “Is his gimmick that he’s a Jew? That’s brilliant. I hope the Jew wins”

#26. Fatu: While she dances to his music I explain that Fatu is now essentially a social worker character from San Fransisco.

“Is his gimmick that he’s a Jew?!”

“Whaaaaaat? They really need to sort out their characters. That’s pathetic”

#27. Isaac Yankem: She’s laughing. “So they’ve got a dentist, a social worker and a Jew?!”

“Yeah, Owen Hart is gone. Fuck you and your shitty elbow pads”

#28. Marty Jannetty: “He looks quite sad now. Is it because the Rockers aren’t together now?”

#29. British Bulldog: “Oh the British Bulldog is still around? He’s cut his hair and looks so much better for it”

Diana Hart-Smith appears. I explain who she is: “The Bulldog shagged his mate’s sister? Respect”

#30. Duke Droese: “Ha, the Dumpster is still around. His tune is a bin lorry reversing? That’s so stupid.”

Lots of eliminations lead to Shawn Michaels winning.

“Oh fuck off, I am not happy about that at all. I wanted Big Daddy to win”

Mhairi’s Final Thoughts: Better than 1995, but I think she preferred the more serious non-gimmick times of pre 1993.

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles Part 2 (or “Watching The 1995 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

If you tuned in last time, you’ll know the drill here. I convinced my girlfriend Mhairi to watch the various Royal Rumble matches in order and after the first few, it became clear that her observations were worthy of jotting down and posting in this blog.

You’ll also note that last time was the 1993 Rumble and this article is the 1995 one. What happened to 1994? Put simply we watched it later at night than usual and she fell asleep.

There’s no point in these things not being organic; to me, that’s where the humour is, so we’ve just moved on to 1995.

My own take on the 1995 Royal Rumble is that it’s comfortably one of, if not the absolute worst Royal Rumble matches in history. It was just far too fast with one minute intervals between entrants and the entire match existed to showcase Shawn Michaels and to a lesser extent the British Bulldog. Because of those intervals, wrestlers also were eliminated far too fast, with guys just throwing themselves out of the ring. Absolutely horrendous.

But what did Mhairi think?

#1. Shawn Michaels: “Jesus that’s a long mullet. Is that Shawn Michaels? From the Rockers? He looks different every time.”

#2. British Bulldog: “British Bulldog!!!! Where’s he been hiding? I thought you said he was dead?”

#3. Eli Blu: “It’s the Berzerker! What do you mean it’s not? It clearly is; just look at him.”

“Why is Pamela Anderson there? Just for a bit of totty?”

#4. Duke ‘The Dumpster’ Droese: “What sort of crappy name is “The Dumpster”? Oh mate, you’re sooooo scary.”

#5. Jimmy Del Ray: “Well he’s just a shit Jake the Snake, isn’t he?”

“I can’t say enough how awful Shawn Michaels’ hair is”

#6. Sione: “Who’s the weirdo with the Barbarian?” (Lou Albano) “And why is that guy who pulls peoples’ hair there too?” (Afa)

“That guy looks like a giant thumb”

#7. Tom Prichard: “Seriously now come on, this is the mid 90s, people should have better hair”

“Why is that guy called The Dumpster? Have they just run out of names now? Was the next guy just told “You can be called The Coffee Table””

#8. Doink: “It’s the clown from my nightmares. Why does he have a midget with him? I really hope the Midget wrestles.”

I explained that he wrestled a mixed tag team match at Wrestlemania X against Luna Vachon and Bam Bam Bigelow. What’s worth noting is that when watching the 1994 Royal Rumble, Mhairi observed that Luna Vachon “…definitely looks like the sort of person who does her shopping in Asda.”

#9. Kwang: “Is he called The Gimp?”

#10. Rick Martel: “Oh brilliant, Rick Martel. I thought he’d be dead by this point. He’s still alive today? That’s excellent news.”

#11. Owen Hart: “Booooooooooooo!” (Mhairi did not like Owen Hart turning on Bret the year before and dubbed him a “Shit Owen Wilson”). “Here’s Bret though. Fuck him up Bret. He’s allowed to do that cos he’s been in the Simpsons”

#12. Timothy Well: “That guy is so generic.”

Well then gets eliminated by what appears to be throwing himself over the top rope..

“Why did he just throw himself out? Surely it’s not meant to look that obvious?”

Rick Martel and Tom Prichard are also eliminated…

“Noooo, Rick Martel is gone. And that other man whose name I don’t know.”

#13. Luke: “Yeah! A Bushwhacker. I don’t like Luke as much. Nooooooo, he’s out. To be fair, Luke isn’t very good at this. He’s not as good as Butch.”

#14. Jacob Blu: “It’s the Berzerker again; he’s come back for another go. Oh for fuck’s sake, he’s out far too quickly.”

“This Rumble is going far too fast.”

#15. King Kong Bundy: “Oh fucking hell who is that?! Jesus! He’s a giant walking thumb! It looks like he’s thinking (putting on ogre voice) “I go beat men. Grrr”. And now he’s trying to bum the British Bulldog. Jesus.

#16. Mo: (Who is elimated before Mhairi can get a word out): “Bwahahaha. He was so shit, and yet he looked so aggressive.”

“He should have been called The Baked Potato”

“Bulldog, you’re never going to get rid of Bundy. He’s too big”

#17. Mabel: “Woah! He’s a big lad. Is that Mo’s friend out for revenge?”

#18. Butch: “Butch!!!! Brilliant, I hope he wins.”

Bundy is eliminated

“I don’t care about the thumb guy anymore, I’m all about Butch”. 

Butch goes

“Awww, come on! But at least he gets paid”

#19. Lex Luger: “It’s Lex Luther!” (I corrected her) “Oh he’s obviously based on Luther, shut up.”

#20. Mantaur: “That’s a shit name as well. They should have called him The Giant Potato with that outfit.”

#21. Aldo Montoya: “Who? The Portuguese Man of War. Is he from Brazil or something” (Mhairi will admit geography is not her strongest subject).

“Are those three guys just hugging in the corner pretending to look busy?”

#22. Henry Godwin: At this point Mhairi just laughed uncontrollably at the concept of a Hog Farmer gimmick. “They really have run out of ideas for wrestlers now”

“Pamela Anderson looks bored as hell. Does she have to have sex with the winner?”

#23. Billy Gunn: (Deadpan) “Oh look it’s a cowboy. Terrific.”

#24. Bart Gunn: (Deadpan again) “Oh my god it’s the other cowboy. I’m so shocked.”

She’s still laughing at Henry Godwin.

#25. Bob Backlund: “He’s evil now?! Is that because he got a haircut?”

#26. Steven Dunn: “That guy isn’t exactly going to strike fear into the hearts of the other guys is he?”

“Alright Granddad”

“Oh what?! Backlund is out? Bret Hart needs to calm the fuck down.”

#27. Dick Murdoch: “Hahaha. Alright Granddad.”

“Remember that film we watched with Michael Caine? Harry Brown? When he just started killing people? Is that what Bret Hart is like now?”

#28. Adam Bomb: “Why not just call him Atom Bomb? That’s obviously what it’s supposed to be. Another shit name.”

#29. Fatu: “It’s the guy from Somalia again. And Is that us almost done? It’s far too fast.”

“Oh no, the giant potato man is gone”

#30. Crush: “What’s happened to Crush? He’s just become generic.”

“Oh no, the two cowboys have turned on each other. It’s like Brokeback Mountain.”

“Shawn Michaels is definitely winning.”

“Oh, there’s Pamela. She hasn’t got a clue what is happening.”

“There goes Harry Wells” (Steven Dunn)

*smugly* “Look, Shawn Michaels landed on the apron. See, I know the terminology now.”

“The Hog Farmer and granddad are out. Oh no, hog farmer is still in. Sneaky bastard.”

“Oh Shawn Michaels is looking old. Now he’s making a fake deal with Crush. That’s not going to backfire is it. Oh look it did, I’m soooo surprised.”

“Come on Shawn Michaels I’ve put imaginary money on you.”

When the British Bulldog is declared the winner…

“He’s clearly not out. He’ll have one foot on the floor or something. See! He deserves it to be fair. And he’s doing a lovely leg stretch to celebrate.”

“Is Pamela Anderson going to suck him off in the middle of the ring?”

“He’s still doing a lovely stretch though and Pamela doesn’t have a clue what’s happening.”

Mhairi’s Final Thoughts: This one was just too fast, and it looks like things are getting very silly with the characters compared to the early ones.

Mhairi Reviews Rumbles (or “Watching The 1993 Royal Rumble With My Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend”)

I’ve written some niche stuff in my time, but I think this might top the lot.

So last year in preparation for a specialist round in a pub quiz on the subject, I made my girlfriend Mhairi watch the 1992 Royal Rumble with me. I think it would be fair to say that she tolerated it rather than enjoyed it, but she got into it enough to develop a deep dislike for Ric Flair who – going against the received wisdom of his performance – she labelled a “Chicken-shit prick”. She was not happy when he won.

Fast forward to last week and she let her guard down and revealed a mild interest in watching some more Royal Rumble matches. And when I say mild interest, she said “I’d rather watch that than ever watch a game of football with you ever again”.

I took that as “Yes Stuart, I want to watch a Royal Rumble with you every night from this point on”.

Subsequently, we’ve watched 1989 – 91 and I think she is quite keen now.

Some of the observations she’s had in that time that I shared on Facebook during our watch-along included…

• Haku has fabulous trousers and a kind face
• Dusty Rhodes is “The guy with the big boobs”
• Andre the Giant must have a tilted pelvis because of his poor posture and pained expression.
• Hulk Hogan is “a cheating bastard” and “a prick”.
• Akeem is a “big sexy jiggly teddybear”
• The Bushwhackers have amazing commitment to their gimmick and are her favourite wrestlers
• Earthquake is also sexy. (I’m not sure if she’s serious but she’s sticking to it).
• Roddy Piper has ADHD
• Ted Dibiase is not someone who she would ever want to win, but his performance in the 1990 Rumble was worthy of her respect.
• That being said she disapproved of his treatment of Virgil and was pleased to see Virgil break free from him in 1991.
• Jake Roberts has the eyes of a serial killer, but in an attractive sort of way.
• Demolition must be into bondage, and that Smash definitely let himself go between 1990 and 1991. She’s bang on with that second comment.
• “The guy with the peach pants” (Shane Douglas) was the most nondescript wrestler in any Rumble
• Greg The Hammer Valentine – who she recognises as now having an Instagram account – is tough.

And so last night we arrived at the 1993 Royal Rumble, a Rumble boring enough that I just decided to focus on taking notes of her comments, as they amused me.

So here’s what she thought as the match progressed, and bear in mind she has never seen it before and is only familiar with wrestlers who have appeared between 89-92.

#1 – Ric Flair: “Not Ric fucking Flair. I hate that prick. He better not win. Tell me now if he wins, because if he does, I’m not watching”

Jerry Lawler – Only displays one nipple, unlike all the other sluts

 

#2 – Bob Backlund: “Who the hell is that guy? He looks like an accountant. Has he wandered into the ring by mistake?”

#3 – Papa Shango: “Alright, this is more like it; he’s going to fuck shit up in there”

Within about 30 seconds, Shango was eliminated…

“Oh come on!!!”

#4 – Ted Dibiase: “Ah the Million Dollar Man; he’s wearing the same panties as always I see.”

#5 – Brian Knobbs: “Cool, it’s Dusty Rhodes”. It wasn’t Dusty Rhodes.

“Are you absolutely sure Bob Backlund is meant to be in the ring? He’s definitely not a fan?”

#6 – Virgil: “He’s got jiggly boobs and is going to beat up his old boss. I like his trousers. He’s cool. He has my sympathy.

#7 – Jerry Lawler: “I don’t know who he is but he’s got a funky outfit; sexy and conservative. And unlike the rest of these sluts he’s only got one nipple out”

“Is Earthquake in it this year? Brilliant; he’s a sexy bastard”

#8 – Max Moon: “Ha! What a crap outfit he’s got on. He’s trying to be a shit robot from a kids cartoon”.

#9 – Genichiro Tenryu: “Is he the new Haku? Oh he’s beating the fuck out of Ric Flair; go on son, get stuck in”.

“Virgil is a legend.”

#10 – Mr Perfect: “It’s Mr Perfect!! He’s going to beat the shit out of Ric Flair! Yes! Break his rib!!! He’s got a bit of a belly now though; he’s been eating the doughnuts. Ooh he’s taken one of his straps down; look at the nipple””

#11 – Skinner: “Shit Hillbilly”

Ric Flair is eliminated by Mr Perfect…

“Yeah Flair is gone! Well done Mr Perfect and your flabby nipple. Fuck off Flair you white haired freak”

#12 – Koko B Ware: “What the fuck is this about?! He looks like a clown”

Earthquake – A big sexy bastard, apparently

“The accountant guy is still in. Go on”

“Is Skinner a budget version of the Bushwhackers?”

“Is 10 times the maximum someone can punch someone in the corner”

#13 – Samu: “Why is that old guy pulling him by the hair? I wouldn’t stand for that”

“Is Greg The Hammer Valentine of Instagram fame in this? No? What!?”

#14 – The Berzerker: “Is that the guy from your shelf?” – I have a Mattel figure of him on a shelf – “I like his boots”

“Oh no Mr Perfect is almost out! He’s still in. They are talking about the apron again, whatever that means. Aww, he’s gone.”

“Wait, Virgil is out too?! For fucks sake”

#15 – The Undertaker: “Oh brilliant, Undertaker. Yes! And his weird manager. Wait, is he a good guy now? How did that happen?”

I explained how he saved Miss Elizabeth from Jake Roberts in 1992.

“Didn’t save her from the drugs though did he?”. Ouch.

“How is Koko the Clown still in? Those trousers are ridiculous”

#16 – Terry Taylor: “It’s a generic blonde man, like the guy with the peach pants in 1991. Wait, you’re saying that’s the Red Rooster? How the hell is he still around? And now he’s been eliminated. He’s shit”

Giant Gonzales appears, meaning that the entrances of #17 (Damien Demento), #18 (IRS) and #19 (Tatanka) take a back-seat to the spot with him and the Undertaker.

“Jesus!!! Who’s he? What’s he about?!!? Why is he waving at the Undertaker? He’s big”

Soon though, the awe of him turns to ridicule as she realises he’s just “a tall bloke who can barely move”

“Go on, give the Undertaker a cuddle”

“Who’s in the Undertaker’s urn anyway? Is it his dog?”

#20 – Jerry Sags: “Yeah, it’s the other Bad Boy. I don’t know his name”

On hearing that Bob Backlund has been in for 36 minutes…

“Good for him. The little ginger man has still got it”.

“Is the Undertaker’s little friend still alive?” She meant Paul Bearer, and she was saddened to find out he was dead.

#21 – Typhoon: “He’s a big lad. Wait, that’s Tugboat!! Good old Tugboat, I preferred his sailor suit”.

At this stage, reality sets in…

“This is definitely the most boring Rumble we’ve watched. Nothing is happening”.

#22 – Fatu: “There’s two of them? Oh great…”

#23 – Earthquake: “Oh brilliant, it’s the big sexy beast. I just want to lick his bald spot.”

Legend

Earthquake and Typhoon start fighting each other…

“Come on guys! You’re the biggest ones in there; fuck shit up!”

“I hope Undertaker wins one eventually. We all love a bad boy”

#24 – Carlos Colon: “Bloody hell, he’s old!” 

On commentary, Gorilla Monsoon refers to Colon as a youngster.

“Youngster? Shut up.”

#25 – Tito Santana: “He’s a bullfighter now? Brilliant. Is Rick Martel in this too? He’s a good sport.”

“The guy whose a wrestler by mistake (Backlund) looks fucking knackered. Good on him”.

#26 – Rick Martel: “There he is! Finally someone I know. Come on Rick!!”

When IRS was eliminated by Earthquake..

“Oh no!! IRA!! Well it shows you don’t fuck with Earthquake”.

#27 – Yokozuna: “Ooft, he’s a big lad; there’s a lot of him to love. He makes Earthquake look anorexic”

Suddenly after barely being seen for at least 10 minutes, Jerry Sags reappears

“The Bad Boy is still in? Where the fuck has he been hiding?”

Earthquake and Yokozuna square up, meaning #28 Owen Hart‘s introduction is missed and passes without comment…

“Oh shit, now it’s getting exciting. Come on Earthquake!!!”

Earthquake gets eliminated.

“Noooooooo!!! Poor old Earthquake; he never gets to win!”

#29 – Repo Man: “Yeah, good old Repo Man. Wait, 29?! Does this mean Jake the Snake isn’t in it? Or Macho Man?”

“They’ll never put out Yokozuna; his ass is too big”.

#30 – Randy Savage: “The Macho Man is in it!! And what a fabulous outfit.”

At this point, Mhairi firmly picks Savage to win, even going as far as to predict it’ll come down to him and Yokozuna. Profound.

“No!! Tito Santana is out. And so is Koko the Clown’s partner. And that looked bloody sore”.

With it now being down to three people, Mhairi swaps allegiances…

“I want that Bob guy to win now. He deserves it. Come on Bob my son.”

Backlund goes out.

“Aww no. The poor guy. He looks so tired”.

“Wait…that’s never Mr Fuji, he looks so different”.

“I reckon Yokozuna is going to miss a charge to the corner and Savage will eliminate him after that.”

Yokozuna does miss a charge, but then Savage get eliminated immediately afterwards.

“Oh fuck off. I miss the Bushwhackers”.

Final Thought: According to Mhairi, this was hands down the most boring Royal Rumble so far, and I think she’s bang on.

We’ll see if she thinks there are worse ones in the coming days…

 

Movies: Fighting With My Family Review

When it comes to movies, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that biopics are rarely entirely accurate. Even in the last six months, popular releases like Bohemian Rhapsody and Stan & Ollie have come under varying degrees of fire for fictionalising events for the sake of telling a story.

And that’s fine; in both those examples because I wasn’t a big fan going in,  I didn’t know any better and enjoyed them for what they were.

At the same time though, I suppose I can understand why people who are knowledgeable about Queen or Laurel & Hardy might have had a wee grumble.

With that in mind, as someone who has watched wrestling for a number of years – even though now I’m down to watching maybe four shows per year – I definitely noticed a number of inaccuracies in WWE Studios’ new movie, Fighting With My Family.

Based on the story of how Saraya Knight made it to the WWE roster as Paige – and to a lesser extent how her brother didn’t – there were definitely a number of examples of creative license used to sell the story they wanted to sell.

For example, when Paige finally makes her main roster debut, it’s presented like she was dumbstruck, that the crowd didn’t know who she was and that it was essentially her first time wrestling in front of an audience. Now this simply isn’t true, especially considering the post-Wrestlemania crowd was full of British fans who knew exactly who she was. Plus, she was the champion of the WWE’s feeder organisation that had its on show.

Further to that, WWE – perhaps understandably – presented itself as this wonderful inspirational organisation where hard work makes dreams come true. And I think anyone with a working knowledge of the wrestling business knows that’s true.

Finally, the character Vince Vaughn played was entirely fictional.

But hey, whether or not it was painstakingly true to reality does not determine how enjoyable a movie it was, and I thought it was very good.

It was funny and engaging and sold the story it wanted to sell – a story that people who aren’t familiar with WWE wouldn’t doubt – in a neat way.

I think the best parts of it were what we saw of the Knight family in England and the huge difference between the glitz of American wrestling and the carny nature of the UK industry.

The actors were all good as well, with Florence Pugh a standout as Saraya/Paige and even though Nick Frost and Stephen Merchant just played the same parts they always do, they brought some light relief.

That the movie took the time to focus on Paige’s brother Zak and explored how low it made him feel to be rejected was smart, because it added an extra layer of depth, without which the whole thing would have felt too light.

So yeah, it might not be the most painstakingly accurate biopic I’ve ever seen, but then how many really are? If the idea is to sell a story that punters enjoy, then this did the job.

I’d recommend it.

Stuart’s Entertainment Review July 2015 (Inc. WWE, UnReal, Nashville, N++, Rocket League etc)

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of my Entertainment Review articles, but seeing as I’ve been playing plenty of games and watching a few different things on TV throughout the month of July, I thought I’d exhume the format.

TV

As you’ll know, most American TV shows run between September and May, with the US market seemingly believing that nobody watches TV during the summer.

However, you will get the occasional programme running almost unopposed around this time, and one such example of that is UnReal, which finished its first season last night.

A drama about the behind the scenes running of a reality TV show called Everlasting (which is basically The Bachelor), UnReal ‘exposes’ the reality format and captures not only how stage-managed everything that goes on in these shows actually is, but also the ruthless and selfish types of people both in front and behind the camera.

Whether I truly enjoyed it is something I’m not all that sure of. Yes, I watched every episode and it kept my attention, but I’m struggling to understand how it can go beyond a single season without retreading over old ground. Now we know that everyone involved is an arsehole and that the show will always be run a certain way, surely any new season would just be a repeat of what we’ve already seen.

What’s also interesting is that there isn’t really a single character in it who is likeable. Everyone is out for themselves and though they try to portray the main character Rachel (Shiri Appleby) as sympathetic, she’s arguably the biggest prick of the lot.

Viewers of Entourage and House of Cards watching this must also come to the conclusion that Constance Zimmer has managed to become typecast as the very niche character of ‘Single Minded Woman In The Media’.

Apart from UnReal, here’s what else I’ve been watching…

Nashville: I took a punt at watching Nashville on Sky On Demand after unsuccessfully trying to be interested in the dull as dishwater Ray Donovan, and I was surprised at just how enjoyable it is. Not only does it

Seriously, look at the size of her forehead.

have a wide range of characters who are all written with some amount of depth, but the storylines are also interesting and it’s all supported well by catchy tunes. And I previously didn’t even like Country music. I think the biggest surprise of all is that previously wooden actress Hayden Panettiere – who I thought ruined Heroes by the time I stopped watching – is actually really good in it. I’m currently on Season Two so I don’t know anything about the most recent episodes, but I’m in this for the long haul.

Under The Dome: When I reviewed the first season of Under the Dome, I took the view that it was shit, but I forgave it because it was so unintentionally amusing. When Season Two came out I gave up after about three episodes, but with the news that it’s on its final season this year, I went back and watched the rest of the second one. Wow, was that a mistake. Season Two of Under the Dome is shit, but it’s not unintentionally amusing, it’s just shit. I don’t really know where to begin. Is it the tenuous way a host of new characters managed to come into it despite the confines of the setting? Is it the terrible acting, not least from the girl with The Largest Forehead In The Universe? Is it that the new science teacher character  is written so one-dimensionally ‘sciency’ that she doesn’t come across as a genuine human being? Is it that the plot became so garbled and confusing that I honestly have no idea what it’s even about anymore? Is it that they have situations like Julia getting stabbed through the leg one week and only surviving her predicament by literally dying of hypothermia so her blood stopped pumping and then in the next week she’s running around with a bandage over her jeans and not even a hint of a limp? Or is it all of the above? I will finish Under the Dome, but only because I feel I’ve put in too much time for me not to. But it’s really shit, so if you haven’t seen it, don’t bother.

Out of the Unknown: Ok, so I was doing reviews of Out of the Unknown, but I’m throwing in the towel. But for one or two episodes, it was just really boring. I couldn’t face watching another one.

1997 Editions of WWE Raw: I’m a subscriber to the WWE Network, and despite the fact that it must not get as many subscribers as WWE clearly wants it to, I would say it offers fantastic value for money for any wrestling fan. But what it also does is serve as a reminder that in almost all ways, wrestling in 2015 is rubbbish compared to what I personally feel was its heyday, 1997. On the Network at the moment is every single episode of Raw from 1997 (and indeed I think it has everything from 1993 up until 2000) and I have been happily sitting through episode after episode from that year. With the exception of the athleticism of the wrestlers involved, everything about that era – from the recognisability of the wrestlers through to the quality of the storylines – was just so superior to what we’ve got now, it’s quite sad. Most wrestling fans will point to 1998 – the year the Attitude Era came into full swing and when WWE turned the tables on WCW – as the best of times, but not me.

There’s just something – and pardon the pun here – raw about 1997. In March of that year they moved to the new set and thetwo-hour format that the show is most synonymous with, and yet at the same time

Part of the appeal of the 1997 Raws is seeing incongruous stuff like Steve Austin squaring up to Gorilla Monsoon. Naturally, not one for taking shit off of people, Monsoon doesn’t back down an inch. Legend.

it feels a completely different era has been placed in that setting. Everything about the environment will remind fans of Austin vs McMahon, DX vs The Nation, The Undertaker vs Kane and everything else associated with Attitude, but for the most part, 1997 isn’t about that at all. There’s Vince McMahon on commentary, Gorilla Monsoon as the President who is not in the least bit intimidated by Steve Austin (who plays the heel for much of the time and is at his best at this point), voiceovers by Todd Pettengil and appearances by guys who you’d be forgiven for forgetting were still around, like Sid, The Patriot, Barry Horrowitz and The Honky Tonk Man.

The Hart Foundation storyline – and everything that came along with it – remains my absolute favourite wrestling storyline of all time. I said earlier that it felt raw, and this is the best example of it. Bret Hart’s attitude towards the way his character was no longer accepted as the hero in the US was genuine. His dislike for Shawn Michaels (and vice versa) was very real, and the exchanges between the two hit so close to the bone that with hindsight (especially knowing how Hart would be screwed at Montreal and forced out of the company) it makes for compelling viewing. There’s nothing they could do now that could touch this for authenticity.

Like I say, I believe 1997 is wrestling’s heyday. Every episode starts with a reprisal and ends with a cliffhanger, just like a good TV show should. It’ll never get this good again, but at least for $9.99 you can relive it and remember what it was like when wrestling was actually entertaining.

The Last Ship: Another show I’ve attempted to get hooked on is The Last Ship, but it’s failing to keep me interested. It’s just a bit corny and it’s difficult to take lead actors (Eric Dane of Grey’s Anatomy and Adam Baldwin from Chuck) seriously because of their past playing more comedic characters. Also, knowing that it was renewed for a second season which is currently airing just makes me think that the overall plot will just end up being stretched much further than it should.

Games

Meanwhile, I’ve been fairly busy on the gaming front as well. Here are some examples of games I’ve played over the last month.

N++ (PS4): Here’s a game I’ve been waiting to come out for years. The sequel to the Xbox 360 game N+, this was supposed to be released around the same time as the PS4, but the developers just kept holding it back and holding it back, Now this is a top game, and has a single player mode every bit as good and challenging as its predecessor, which came in at #8 in my Top 100 Games Of The Last Generation article series, but I won’t lie; I’m a little disappointed with it. One of the best parts of N+ was the ability to play online Co-Op mode with friends. That’s gone, and it’s a shame. The developers came up with a long-winded explanation for why they didn’t add it in, which seemed reasonable, but considering the game came out two years later than it should have and considering it’s not exactly inexpensive for a PS Store game at £15, I just don’t have much sympathy for them or their ‘woe is us’ excuses. All I know is that if the games developer I work for released a game two years late and with expected features missing, we’d be slaughtered.

Rocket League (PS4): Contrast N++ to Rocket League, which came free with July’s PS Plus membership and has been accepted with open arms around the world. Yes, I totally accept the difference between

Looks great, plays great. Fantastic.

one developer getting support from Sony and another having to go it alone, but Rocket League doesn’t come with a sob story attached (N++ literally does have a sob story which you can click on on the main menu). A simple concept of rocket fueled cars playing football, it’s fast, furious, frustrating and fun. And you can play it online with your friends, not just on the PS4 but on the PC too, which is a breakthrough in cross-platform gaming as far as I’m concerned. My only problem with it is that sometimes struggles to cope with my network connection and can be a tad laggy when playing online. Still great though.

Splatoon (Wii U): I love Nintendo, but I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t find Splatoon as enjoyable as I think I’m supposed to. I should love it; it’s bright and colourful, it’s a Nintendo game and it gets fantastic reviews from all corners, but there’s just something about it I struggled with. It felt samey and the controls were a bit awkward. Plus, more than the likes of Call of Duty, I felt that the weapons that more experienced players had unlocked made it nigh on impossible to triumph against with the entry-level options. I’ll try to give it another go, but it feels a bit disappointing to me.

Kirby And The Rainbow Paintbrush (Wii U): I was also surprisingly disappointed by this game, but for a different reason. Kirby is challenging and does what it’s supposed to well enough. It’s never going to be as good as a Mario game but it provides you with a few hours of solid platforming fun. The thing is though it has a huge design flaw; while it looks fantastic, you get no chance to actually enjoy how it looks because the need to use the touch screen on the Wii U Gamepad the entire time. This means that you don’t get a chance to lift your head up to actually see the beautiful graphics on your expensive 55″ TV screen. Madness.

The Secret of Monkey Island 2 – LeChuck’s Revenge (Xbox 360): First released in the late 80s/early 90s heyday of LucasArts adventure games, Monkey Island 2 is regarded by many as one of the all time great games. I take issue with this. It’s amusing and it has been lovingly remastered to look swish on the 360, but I just don’t see the point in a game that you can’t complete without reading a walkthrough. Now you might come to me and say “Stuart, maybe you’re just not clever enough to work out some of the puzzles” but I’d argue that point. Maybe I’m not, but maybe it’s that these games were designed with the post-purchase money-spinner of getting players to phone up hotlines or buy guidebooks to get help finding solutions to these puzzles? Maybe also people had a greater tolerance to devoting time to thinking about all the possible tenuous ways to complete some of the more obscure brain teasers? But put it this way; there’s a puzzle where to get money you have to get a job. To get the job you have to get the cook in the pub sacked. How do you do this? You’ve got to pick up a rat. How do you pick up a rat? You have to pick up a cheese puff, a piece of string and stick and add them all together to create a trap with a cardboard box that’s sitting in a corner in the same screen as the rat. Without any hints, how is anyone supposed to conclude that’s what you have to do to move on? People who have too much time to think most likely.

Professor Leyton and The Miracle Mask (3DS): Speaking of puzzles, the Leyton games are famous for their brain teasers that require actual thought and cognitive reasoning. And that’s fantastic. The Leyton games however are also famous for being absolutely bogged down in layer upon layer of uninteresting storylines that you have to sit through before getting to the next puzzle. I suppose without the storyline the game would feel utterly bare-bones, but for me the puzzles are the only interesting part, so it made it a real struggle to get through it.

TwoDots (Android): My current go-to game for a quick fix is TwoDots, a sort of Bust-a-Move/Zookeeper/Candy Crush affair available on mobile platforms. It’s good, but success is entirely random. Sometimes the way the dots fall (you have to link up the same colours to clear them) means there’s just no way you can complete a level in the required moves while other times it just falls into place easily. After a while you realise there’s no skill involved. I’m guessing this is a deliberate ploy to sell in-app purchases like extra lives and weapons. You can do well without them of course, but you just need that little bit of patience. It’s free and it’s fun, but my advice is to keep calm and avoid paying out for these extras.

Assuming I remember, I’ll be back with more next month!

Calls to Action

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b) Read about my books – focussing on reviews of Doctor Who from the very beginning – here

c) If you appreciate my sense of humour, go ‘Stuart’s Exciting Anecdote of the Day’ 

 

10 Wrestling Storylines That Would Make Football More Interesting

One thing you’ll read people say when their team is going through a bad patch and they are in the huff is that football is fixed.

Now you could argue that the importance of finance means that the sport is no longer anything even closely resembling an even playing field, but at the same time it’s not actually pre-determined. The authorities aren’t corrupt and the referees don’t really cheat.

But imagine a situation where they were? Imagine if football was a pre-determined, scripted form of sports entertainment like wrestling is? Would that be more fun if we didn’t actually know it was faked? Maybe it would be.

At the very least, it could arguably be more fun.

Here are ten examples of wrestling storylines that could work if football was scripted.

Disclaimer: These are all fictional scenarios based upon wrestling storylines and any resemblance to anything that may or may not have happened in reality is purely coincidence.

1. The 90th Minute Heel Turn

Picture the scene; two teams are battling hard to get the winning goal in a match at the end of the season. It’s 0-0 with one minute left. The home team’s most popular player has the ball at his feet and is pushing all his teammates forward. Then suddenly he turns around and kicks the ball into his own net. And then, to make matters worse, he takes off his shirt to reveal he’s wearing the away team’s top underneath and has

In this battle royal, The Big Show removed his red Raw T-Shirt to reveal he was wearing an ECW one. He then defected to the Extreme Brand.

actually signed a pre-contract agreement with them.

Can you imagine how angry fans would get? A license to print money for the rematch next season.

2. Twin Magic

The premise is simple. A team has two identical twins playing for them who keep swapping on and off the pitch behind the ref’s back. Pure panto. Pure entertainment.

3. The Heel Ref

Just imagine a referee who deliberately cheats players out of free kicks and penalties, sends players off for nothing, ignores perfectly good goals, openly favours one team over another and blindly ignores the fouls committed by certain players.

That’s something that’s never happened before. Ever.

4.  The Invasion Storyline

So two sets of players are in the tunnel waiting to go out onto the pitch and then suddenly a team from a different league/country jump them all from behind and make their way onto the pitch instead, declaring that they have crossed the divide to take over the league.

That team then routinely does run-ins during other league matches, vandalises team buses and changing rooms and even take prize youth prospects hostage.

In the end, one team from the league stands up to them and defeats them in a Loser Leaves The League match.

5. The No Disqualification Match

There’s a deep-rooted rivalry between two teams. Matches in the past have resulted in a lot of yellow and red cards and the referees are struggling to control the players.

Ah the corrupt referee. If there was one of these in a scripted football world, it would be great, as long as he got his comeuppance.

So to settle it once and for all, the teams agree to a No Disqualification match where fouls and offsides don’t count.

Mayhem ensues.

6. The Manager Changes Dugouts At Half Time

Remember when Mr Fuji turned on Demolition and went with the Powers of Pain at the 1988 Survivor Series? That could happen in a scripted football world.

Just before half time, a manager might inexplicably sub off their two best outfield players and the goalkeeper, replacing them with rubbish kids who don’t even play in those positions (and I bet nobody has EVER tried that in Football Manager…)

After those players rough the manager up a little, he ends up sitting in the away team’s dugout for the second half and plots his team’s downfall from there.

7. The Young Apprentice Storyline

At the beginning of the season, a team’s most experienced pro introduces a young starlet from the youth team into the starting lineup as his protegé. As the season develops, they form a great bond but around January they start to have a few arguments on the pitch. They patch things up each time though and shake hands, much to the crowd’s delight.

Then, at the end of season Player of the Year Awards, when the experienced pro goes up to collect his award, the youngster attacks him from behind with a chair.

The storyline is resolved in a crossbar challenge contest where the loser’s contract is torn up.

8.  The Authority Angle

Imagine the governing body of a nation’s football association is run by an unpopular, clueless tyrant who seems to have no interest in giving fans what they want, makes incredible decisions under the excuse of doing what’s “Best For Business”, kowtows to the TV stations who show their product and openly favours the biggest team in the league who are seen to be protected against all sanity because they are “The Face of the Company”.

Remember when Mr Fuji turned on Demolition and teamed up with the Powers of Pain DURING a match? That’d be fun in football.

Imagine…

9. The Returning Legends

More Rocky than wrestling, what if a club brought a team of legends out of retirement for one last run at the Championship/Cup.

In a scripted world, they would end up getting to the final, only to lose to an up and coming team, thus passing the torch.

They would then go off into the sunset.

10. The Referees Go On Strike

Wait…that did happen!!

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